Small Successes: Dinner with work friends

I went out to dinner tonight with four people from work. Part of me making more of an effort to socialise more and do normal-er things because i know that in the past, I did enjoy some parts of it despite the initial apprehension and multiple worries (e.g. the food, having interesting things to say, hoping that they won't get bored, did I mention the food?).

Anyway, this time around, I actually suggested that a few of us (from the supermarket where I work) could go out sometime. And believe me, it took me ages to actually work up the guts to say it out loud to one of my work friends. But sometimes we just have to go for it. Otherwise, we just end up being in the exactly same position. Perhaps not going backwards (although that was happening a little bit for me lately as I could see myself becoming more isolated and retreating into myself and the ED more), but also not moving towards recovery. 

I almost ended up saying that I can't go at the last minute because I was stressed out over the food (they decided to go to a Korean BBQ buffet >_<" ). But in the end, I went and even though the ED thoughts were there pretty much most of the time, and the food was not easy, I can honestly say I enjoyed bits of it. And for some of the time, I felt I was actually part of the occasion and joined in with the conversation, even had a few laughs.

These are the things which make recovery worth it :)

P.S. Following on from my last post, it was also nice to see what normal people eat at BBQ buffets. Let's just say there was A LOT of meat involved. And none of my friends gave a second thought to the amount they were eating. They ate because it tasted good, because they enjoyed it, because that's what you do when you go to a buffet :D

Eating with normal eaters

Something that I find can be helpful in recovery is to eat with people who I would consider to be "normal". When I say normal, I don't mean those who have a perfect diet, eats to a set plan/times or eats super healthy and balanced meals. I just mean people who do not have a disordered relationship with food. Granted, most people will still have their opinions about food, whether something is healthy or not, or make the odd comment about diet/weight/body image etc. But they wouldn't dwell on these things and stuff like this doesn't take over their lives.

More recently in my recovery, I've made a conscious effort to socialise more even though it's outside of my comfort zone. I've been doing this more because despite feeling anxious and awkward about it, I know that it is helping me and that over time, it has gotten easier and will continue to get easier the more I do it.

When I've been out with others, sometimes it's just good to see them relaxed around eating and not make a big deal out of where and when they eat and what they eat. Of course they will still choose what they prefer, but if things don't go exactly as planned, it's not the end of the world. Sometimes when you've been around eating disorders for so long (whether it is in hospital with other people with eating disorders, or just isolated with your own ED thoughts), you forget what it is to be "normal" around food. When you start going out again, and seeing how others are around food and eating, it sort of puts things into perspective. You see that food and eating is not always about calories/fat, healthy/unhealthy, lead to weight gain etc., but that it's just part of everyday life. It doesn't need to be something that you should be scared of or which has consequences. Because food is just food. It's gives you energy throughout the day to do whatever you are doing (or not doing because your body needs fuel even when it's not "doing" anything). It's also something to be enjoyed, both in terms of the choices and tastes, as well as the social aspect of it when you are eating with family or friends.

Another thing I'd like to mention is that at the moment, when I've been going out with others, these have been people who either don't know I have an eating disorder, or don't know much about my eating disorder (mainly people from my work). You may be wondering why I'm not "practising eating" with people who know me or my situation (e.g. my family or friends who have known me throughout my ED and recovery) as that might be easier since they are more aware and "understanding" of my feelings around food etc. But to be honest, I actually find it harder to eat normally around my family or people who know me better. I think that when I'm around them, there's less need for me to try as hard to eat normally, because I know that they will "allow it" if I don't do 100% well or if I act a little funny about the food. I've also gotten so used to not doing well when I'm around people who've known me throughout my illness that it's sort of become a habit. But with newer people, I almost don't want them to know the eating disordered side of me, because I just want to be normal and for them to know me for me. So when I'm with them, I find that I would try harder in terms of what I eat and how I act around food. 

The thoughts and anxiety is still there, but the more I do it, the easier it will be. In a way, the people I've been going out with have been an inspiration/role models for me (even though they don't know it ;) ). They've helped me to see that what it's like to have a normal relationship with food and to enjoy going out for a meal and just have a good time.

Do I really do that?

Do you sometimes feel like you're observing yourself from the outside and am surprised at what you are doing. Or more precisely, what your ED is doing? I do. 

Just this morning, I was having toast for breakfast and was just doing the usual, putting on butter and jam. And then before I knew it, I was cutting the toast up into bite size pieces. I think in the end, I cut up one piece of toast into sixteen little bits. I almost have to laugh at how ridiculous that looked. I imagine that someone else who sees me doing this would agree that this behaviour was weird. 

This time around, I didn't catch myself before I started cutting up my toast. But other times, when I'm not on total autopilot, I try to consciously think about what I am doing with my food or eating behaviours. I would imagine that I was a "normal' person looking at what I was doing, and see if that behaviour would be considered "normal" or weird. Sometimes this can help put things into perspective and stop me from doing funny things with my food. 

Eating disorder in disguise

Everywhere I look nowadays, there's food. And when I mean everywhere, I'm talking about on TV, on the internet, in magazine, newspapers, blogs. Okay, so having an eating disorder probably means I'm prone to looking at food-related things, but nevertheless, there's a lot of focus in society. 

In particular, there's a lot of information about healthy eating, weight loss, meal plans etc. There is a plethora of articles and hype about nutrition, living a healthy and balanced lifestyle, different diet trends, exercise etc. This is understandable, given that obesity is an issue society is facing and fitness and health is something that many people strive towards.

Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with following these sorts of lifestyles and diets. And I'm sure that for a lot of people, they are able to incorporate these into their everyday life and feel the benefits from them. But when you have an eating disorder, it's easy to get tricked into thinking that these diets are simply "healthy" and that it's okay to follow them by the book. To think that you're doing fine when you are following these types of diets and exercise regimes, even though the thought of eating a piece of cake at a birthday party totally throws you off your game, makes you anxious and worried. Is that any way to live? Is it normal to only feel scared every time someone offers you food?

Sometimes when I hear about these diets and trends, or read blogs by people who follow these healthy lifestyles, I sort of wish that I could do that. I wish I had that self discipline to just "eat healthily". But then again, that could just be my ED talking, trying to convince me into thinking that it's absolutely fine for me to avoid foods or situations which the particular "healthy diet" does not allow. 

I don't think I want to buy into what my ED is trying to sell me. I'd rather be able to go to movies, and share a popcorn with someone without feeling so guilty that I forget to watch the movie. Or be thinking about a slice of birthday cake that I refused to accept because it doesn't fit in with my diet. Because where's the fun in that (or maybe I need to try a nice green smoothie ;) )?

A little bit of positivity

Sometimes we all just need a bit of positivity, remind ourselves that we can do it and that it will get better...

Old patterns

The past week has been hard. It's so easy to fall back into the habits I know and which helps to numb the feelings that I'm afraid to face. It's  been hard trying to make the decision about taking the new job. And now, having made the decision, I'm really struggling to accept that I won't have the support I felt from working at the store anymore. The sense of loss and the loneliness has been on my mind constantly. It's been overwhelming at times and I don't know what to do about it.

With all this confusion and emotions in my head, behaviours have crept back in. Old patterns of restricting during the day, then bingeing and sometimes purging at night have come back. Even though things might not be as bad as it used to when I was at my worst, I don't know if I can consider having a whole bag of popcorn, a whole block of chocolate and a few snacks all in one sitting as normal behaviour.  With this comes the shame, guilt, frustration and anger. I wish I could stop. But then I think, if I really wanted it to stop, wouldn't I have stopped by now? I feel like I'm losing control and I don't know what to do.

New job, good news?

I had a job interview last week.

Got the job :). It's something that's related to what I studied and in the same area as the job I'm currently working at. It's sort of an internal role within the supermarket I work in (my part time second job). There's a lot of positives to this new job:

- the pay is better

- the office is closer

- there's a clearer idea of what the job is about

- it's related to the area I've been working in

Anyone looking at this would think that everything about it looks great. It's a great opportunity and that's exactly what everyone is telling me.

So why am I not as excited as I should be?

Because if I take this job, I won't be able to work part-time in the supermarket anymore since the company rule is that you can't work more than full-time hours under the same company (you can, but they'd have to pay you overtime, which they wouldn't want to). So basically, once I start the job, I won't get to work at the store anymore. 

You may be wondering what the big deal is, who would want to keep working at a store anyway? But the thing is, working at the supermarket was probably one of things which really helped me over the last couple of years. When I first got the job there, I was still quite unwell and depressed. I didn't want to work there (or anywhere really), but I couldn't just stay home and do nothing either. So I took that job. Initially, it was hard, having to fake happy and pretend to be alright (it is customer service after all). But to my surprise, and I probably didn't even realise this at the time, things got a bit better, I got to know the people I work with better, I felt I was doing something useful and productive. Mostly, I think the biggest thing was the social aspect of it. I actually felt as though my workmates liked working with me and I was able to talk to them. And as I got to know them better, I was also able to open up a bit about myself and even be more honest about my situation. They were all very accepting and I didn't feel judged. I didn't realise how important this job and the people became to me.

And now, with this new job, it means I won't be seeing these people anymore. Even though they say we can still keep in touch, that we'll still be friends, I know that it's not going to be the same. The circumstances aren't the same anymore and it's nice and all to think that we will keep in touch, but in reality, the likelihood of us meeting up or seeing each other when I don't work there anymore is pretty small. 

In a way, I feel like I shouldn't care so much and I'm angry at myself for being upset when I should be happy. But the thing is, this make me sad and although I can see objectively that this new job may bring with it many possibilities and a lot of good things may come out of it, right now, I don't know what these are. And all I can feel is the sense of loss of something that I didn't realise was so important to me.

Sorry that this post is just me rambling on a bit, but I guess that's why I write here. Because I need to let the thoughts and feelings out. Just for "someone" to know how I'm really feeling.

Small success: eating out

As I briefly mentioned in my last post, something I've been trying really hard to do more of is to go out with people more. Basically just DO more of life rather than retreat into myself and isolate like I've been doing for so long. 

I still have mixed feelings about socialising. Sometimes (okay, most of the time), I'm nervous about doing it, asking someone, having to make conversation and worried that I'll run out of things to say. Sometimes when I'm out with someone, I feel like I'm observing from the outside, not really connected to what we're doing or saying. But there are times too when I'm actually there, not just feeling like I have to pretend to be engaged, but actually being engaged in the moment. And honestly, I enjoy that feeling.

So yesterday, that's what sort of happened. I asked someone out for dinner and they accepted (yay!). I don't know this person very well, but the only way you can get to know others better is by hanging out, talking, doing things together. So we went and had Japanese for dinner. I think I find it helpful to eat with others (who are just normal). I wasn't focusing on the food as much (although I did enjoy eating sushi :D), and it was just nice to be doing something normal. I won't lie, I definitely felt nervous and awkward at times and ED thoughts popped up here and there, but all in all, I'm still glad I did it. 

It was only a small step and most people probably don't know why I'm even writing about it (or even thinking about it). But for me, building up the courage to make plans with someone and actually going through with it (add on the eating out component), it was a pretty big deal.

It's my small success for the day, what's yours :) ?

Stepping outside of my comfort zone

One of the things I really don't like is change. Whether it is changes happening around me or me having to make some kind of change. In a way, staying in my eating disorder has become a habit, a comfort. It is everything I know and keeps me safe in my own unbreakable bubble. I don't have to think about much else other than food and weight and calories etc. And even though it's torture to be constantly thinking about those things, at least they are things I know.

Because outside this bubble, there is so much that I fear could hurt me, make me feel weak and vulnerable. Most of the time, I look out and see uncertainty, situations I have no control over, and this keeps me from wanting to step outside. But sometimes, I see glimmers of things which I so desperately want to be a part of. Like having fun with friends, doing something I actually enjoy, even simple things like being able to relax for a bit and not have every moment of the day be filled with anxiety about food. Actually be engaged and living life.

I've tried to focus more on the good things that I can see and this has made me more aware of what's possible if I do start letting go of the ED. It's not always an easy thing though. Because although I may see something I think I want, I still don't seem to be able to experience.

But I'm starting to realise that in order to be able to experience, I have to make an effort too. It's no use to just stay still and watching whilst other people go out, do things, live life. I have to do some of the doing as well. So that's what I've been trying really hard to do. And one of the things I've been trying to do more of is make plans and go out with other people. Now I'm definitely not an outgoing person by nature and would probably be the last person you would find at a party. And as much as asking people to hang out or go out for a meal with me scare the hell out of me, I've been forcing myself to do it. 

Yes, there is definitely the fear of being rejected and if I did go out for dinner or something, then that adds to the anxiety too. And to be honest, there have been multiple times when I asked someone and nothing came out of it. Their reasons were totally legitimate (e.g. they alread have plans, can' seem to find a time which suited both of us), but in my mind, I always turn this into "they don't like me", "they probably think I'm boring" etc. I have to work on that.

But then other times, I did manage to make plans and end up going out. And as much as my ED or depression may want to dismiss it or disagree, I did mostly have a good time. The socialising for me is still a bit awkward and something I'm not used to doing. And if eating was involved, it's still a struggle, if not more so because the situation lends itself to trying to eat "normally" in a "normal" social setting. But I got through them, and can honestly say I did enjoy some of it :). 

Slowly, little by little, I'm starting to experience some of the good things that come from stepping outside my comfort zone. It's not always easy to take that first step, but it's something that I want to keep trying to do more of. Because I've had glimpse of the good things that are outside my ED world and it's worth the effort.

Not giving up

It's Saturday night and I've still been purged free since Monday. I almost can't believe it. It's a good thing, a great thing. But then there's also the fear that I could slip up one night and ruin the hard work all over again.

I think something which has helped me resist the urges and to keep trying is simply writing here. And knowing there are people out there who are in a similar situation. They too are also trying hard to recover. 

I don't really know if anyone is reading this, but if you are then thank you. Because you've helped me in ways you may not know. Just being able to talk about my experiences and thoughts here makes it feel as though I'm not doing this alone. In a way, it's like there are people who are supporting me (whether this is real or not).

If you are struggling as well, don't give up, because you are strong enough to fight this too.