Can I do recovery?

Just thinking about it is making me feel anxious. A sort of nervousness and tightness around my chest.

When I think about whether I can try and really put my mind to recovery, there's a fleeting moment where I'm like "yeah, maybe I can", then straight away it's gone.

I can't seem to hold on to the positivity because there's no space for it in my life. Or at least I haven't made the space for it. I've committed to other things, filled up my time and devoted my energy to everything else but recovery. So even if that one part of me wants to try, the rest of me, the majority won't even give it a chance.

I guess the main thing (or maybe the only thing) that's kind of taking up all my mental and physical energy is work and basically having just committed to at least a year to it. Even thinking about it is making me dread it. A whole year minimum of doing something that I don't want to be doing. Why did I do it, I'd ask myself. And the answer is because it's what everyone expects me to do. To do something with my degree, have some sort of career. Jump on the business bandwagon.

So I've signed up and now it seems too late to back out. And a part of me doesn't want to back out because I also have that expectation of myself. And I don't want to disappoint the people who've hired me. I know they can probably find another person who would be perfectly capable of doing the job. But they chose me this time around and how can I disappoint them?

So because of this work stuff, I don't have time or space to focus on recovery. I'm aware that this sounds like an excuse and that I'm using my ED to cope with the stress and unease I feel about work. But short of quitting, which doesn't seem to be an option (or one I'm willing to take), I don't know how else to cope.

Does this mean another year of being stuck in this ED hell? 

That 0.01%

Sometimes I can hear that small part of me that says I can do it. That recovery might be possible. It may only last a few moments, maybe only for a few seconds. It gets covered up by the (almost) all-consuming ED most of the time and it's hard to hold onto it.

Struggling

I’m struggling. I can’t seem to turn things around, or more precisely, I don’t want to. I don’t want the job I just got. But I’ve accepted the offer and I know they expect me to stay at least a year to 18 months. I can’t quit because I don’t want them to not like me. I am dreading the actual job because it’ll involve dealing with people, having to talk to people on the phone, answer their questions, give them answers, give them information they need, solve their problems (about their work anyway). I don’t want to be doing it, but I have to. It’s what everyone thinks I should do. It’s what’s expected of me.

I can’t face the fact that I need to get better. I don’t want to. I need to be a bit better for a job I don’t want to do but have to because I’ve committed to it. I just want to it all to end right now. I don’t want to face it. I want a rest. I want everything to end. Right now. Please let me fall asleep and never wake up again. Let my heart give out. I don’t want to have to wake up to another day. Feeling the tug and war about food. Knowing that I should be eating so I can function better and be able to do my job properly, but inside (every part of me really) is fighting against recovery because I want to stay sick and get worse so that I physically can’t do the work anymore (if I end up fainting or collapsing or dying – although with my luck that’s not likely going to happen).

I wish I could disappear, be in an accident. At least then it wouldn’t be my fault that they have to find another person to do the job. And it wouldn’t be because I’m not good enough or can’t cope with the pressure or am incompetent.
All the ED thoughts go through me head all day. In a way, if I wasn’t thinking about them, I’d be stressing about work. I don’t know which is better. Or worst. There’s nothing besides these two things. And I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing I can do. I feel like I’m constantly suffocating and trapped and there’s no way out.