Can I do recovery?

Just thinking about it is making me feel anxious. A sort of nervousness and tightness around my chest.

When I think about whether I can try and really put my mind to recovery, there's a fleeting moment where I'm like "yeah, maybe I can", then straight away it's gone.

I can't seem to hold on to the positivity because there's no space for it in my life. Or at least I haven't made the space for it. I've committed to other things, filled up my time and devoted my energy to everything else but recovery. So even if that one part of me wants to try, the rest of me, the majority won't even give it a chance.

I guess the main thing (or maybe the only thing) that's kind of taking up all my mental and physical energy is work and basically having just committed to at least a year to it. Even thinking about it is making me dread it. A whole year minimum of doing something that I don't want to be doing. Why did I do it, I'd ask myself. And the answer is because it's what everyone expects me to do. To do something with my degree, have some sort of career. Jump on the business bandwagon.

So I've signed up and now it seems too late to back out. And a part of me doesn't want to back out because I also have that expectation of myself. And I don't want to disappoint the people who've hired me. I know they can probably find another person who would be perfectly capable of doing the job. But they chose me this time around and how can I disappoint them?

So because of this work stuff, I don't have time or space to focus on recovery. I'm aware that this sounds like an excuse and that I'm using my ED to cope with the stress and unease I feel about work. But short of quitting, which doesn't seem to be an option (or one I'm willing to take), I don't know how else to cope.

Does this mean another year of being stuck in this ED hell?