Stepping outside of my comfort zone

One of the things I really don't like is change. Whether it is changes happening around me or me having to make some kind of change. In a way, staying in my eating disorder has become a habit, a comfort. It is everything I know and keeps me safe in my own unbreakable bubble. I don't have to think about much else other than food and weight and calories etc. And even though it's torture to be constantly thinking about those things, at least they are things I know.

Because outside this bubble, there is so much that I fear could hurt me, make me feel weak and vulnerable. Most of the time, I look out and see uncertainty, situations I have no control over, and this keeps me from wanting to step outside. But sometimes, I see glimmers of things which I so desperately want to be a part of. Like having fun with friends, doing something I actually enjoy, even simple things like being able to relax for a bit and not have every moment of the day be filled with anxiety about food. Actually be engaged and living life.

I've tried to focus more on the good things that I can see and this has made me more aware of what's possible if I do start letting go of the ED. It's not always an easy thing though. Because although I may see something I think I want, I still don't seem to be able to experience.

But I'm starting to realise that in order to be able to experience, I have to make an effort too. It's no use to just stay still and watching whilst other people go out, do things, live life. I have to do some of the doing as well. So that's what I've been trying really hard to do. And one of the things I've been trying to do more of is make plans and go out with other people. Now I'm definitely not an outgoing person by nature and would probably be the last person you would find at a party. And as much as asking people to hang out or go out for a meal with me scare the hell out of me, I've been forcing myself to do it. 

Yes, there is definitely the fear of being rejected and if I did go out for dinner or something, then that adds to the anxiety too. And to be honest, there have been multiple times when I asked someone and nothing came out of it. Their reasons were totally legitimate (e.g. they alread have plans, can' seem to find a time which suited both of us), but in my mind, I always turn this into "they don't like me", "they probably think I'm boring" etc. I have to work on that.

But then other times, I did manage to make plans and end up going out. And as much as my ED or depression may want to dismiss it or disagree, I did mostly have a good time. The socialising for me is still a bit awkward and something I'm not used to doing. And if eating was involved, it's still a struggle, if not more so because the situation lends itself to trying to eat "normally" in a "normal" social setting. But I got through them, and can honestly say I did enjoy some of it :). 

Slowly, little by little, I'm starting to experience some of the good things that come from stepping outside my comfort zone. It's not always easy to take that first step, but it's something that I want to keep trying to do more of. Because I've had glimpse of the good things that are outside my ED world and it's worth the effort.