"Real" friends?

Something that's I've always found difficult is socialising and making new friends. Having an eating disorder, and for such a long time, has meant that I have withdrawn myself from everyone else over the the years. I have never been the most outgoing person at school anyway, but since getting sick, I've drifted away from most of the people who I guess I could say were my friends, or at least people I hung out with during school days. At the moment, I think there's only one person who I've known from my pre-anorexia days whom I still keep in contact with.

At the moment, I am doing better than I have been (not fantastic, but better). I work two jobs (one in an office and the other at a supermarket). I'm really lucky in that everyone I work with are really friendly and just nice, genuine people. I have even come to consider some of the people from the supermarket, where I've been for over two years, as "friends". 

I think I refer to them as "friends" with quotation marks because I still have trouble believing that anyone would really want to be friends with me and I have in my mind the idea that real friends go out a lot, talk to each other about their lives etc. I also think that people are friendly because they are just being nice.

But this pre-conceived idea I have about what friendship should be is preventing me from making real connections with the people I know. Sometimes we need to let go of the ideals we have about how friendship and relationships should be like because when it doesn't turn out exactly the way we thought it would, we automatically dismiss any aspects of it that might actually be good.

I was talking to my psychologist recently and she pointed out to me that I basically have blinders on when I meet up with people (this is not totally news to me, but it did make me realise just how true this is). When I see or talk to people, sometimes I find that I'm not even paying much attention. Instead, I have thoughts like "why are they even talking to me", "they are just being nice", " we have nothing in common", "how can they not find me boring"...

But my psychologist said that people have a choice in who they like and want to talk to. Yes, generally, people at work need to be polite to each other and talk about work related things, but that's a minimum, and if they don't want to say anymore beyond this, they really don't have to. And as difficult as it is for me to believe or accept, I can see that the people I work with do ask me about what's been going on with me and seem to show some interest. 

I have to keep reminding myself that the signs are there and that the people I know are actually making a conscious effort when they talk to me, they are choosing to do so because they care (really?) and not because they are just being polite. I also have to believe that their interest is real because there are people who are just being nice (the ones who I'm just being nice to in return) , but the people I have come to consider to be my "friends" are different. Yes, they are nice people anyway, but they also like me enough to ask me questions, talk to me about what's happening with them, and talk about things beyond the standard "...so the weather been pretty good...". 

Maybe the relationships I have with these new "friends" don't match exactly with what I had in my mind, but then again, there aren't really rules to how friendships should be like. Maybe in the future, I might end up hanging out with them outside of work. But for now, having conversations about things other than work is a good start. 

So maybe I do have some friends after all :)