Old patterns

The past week has been hard. It's so easy to fall back into the habits I know and which helps to numb the feelings that I'm afraid to face. It's  been hard trying to make the decision about taking the new job. And now, having made the decision, I'm really struggling to accept that I won't have the support I felt from working at the store anymore. The sense of loss and the loneliness has been on my mind constantly. It's been overwhelming at times and I don't know what to do about it.

With all this confusion and emotions in my head, behaviours have crept back in. Old patterns of restricting during the day, then bingeing and sometimes purging at night have come back. Even though things might not be as bad as it used to when I was at my worst, I don't know if I can consider having a whole bag of popcorn, a whole block of chocolate and a few snacks all in one sitting as normal behaviour.  With this comes the shame, guilt, frustration and anger. I wish I could stop. But then I think, if I really wanted it to stop, wouldn't I have stopped by now? I feel like I'm losing control and I don't know what to do.