I hate admitting that. That I can't just find the motivation, that I can't just push myself pass this phase. It just seems as though I'm being lazy and not trying hard enough. I don't like being like this and being stuck in limbo land. But at the same time, it's my comfort zone, and it's easier than having to face the scariness of change and uncertainty.
It doesn't feel as "good" as when I was less well physically though. This is a horrible thing to say, but I miss being anorexic :(. Or at least my ED misses it, the feelings of "control" and "achievement" when I have the "willpower" to restrict and lose weight (yes I know it's not really control). Right now, I don't even have the energy or drive to do that. Instead I'm just staying the same, doing unhelpful behaviours like bingeing and purging (not that restricting is helpful either). But I guess I'm just venting that bingeing and purging don't produce that same "good" feeling as restriction. And I can't seem to stop myself from doing these behaviours even though I know they are not helping at or. But in that moment, there is no logic to my actions.
It's really hard.
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