Overeating

A lot of the time, I find myself eating for reasons other than physical hunger. That frustrates me because the whole point of recovery (okay, not the whole point, but a big part of it) is to re-learn how to sense your hunger signals, not use food as a coping mechanism. It's frustrating because I know that's what I want, to be able stop turning to food to deal with emotions, whether it is restricting, bingeing/purging etc.

Lately, I've probably had more frequent episodes of "binges". I say "binges" because they haven't been as bad as they used to be. An example of what I would eat in one sitting would be a large bag of popcorn, yoghurt and a family size block of chocolate or a few chocolate bars and muesli bars. I know that binges could be much worse because I've been there before. But nevertheless, when I do have these episodes, I feel awful, guilty and ashamed. 

There are a few reasons as to why I have been overeating lately. At one level, there is an element of physical hunger, especially if I have been a but restrictive during the day (I tend to binge late at night). I also have a tendency to roughly keep track of how much/many calories I've eaten during the day and in my mind, I think there's a "limit" that I give myself in therm of how much I am allowed to eat. So if on any given day, I didn't have a lot during the day, I'd think that it's okay for me to have more food (even if it's all junk food) to "make up" for the day's total amount. 

Another reason for why I have these night eating sessions is because I almost look forward to it, even it I know that it makes me miserable and gross afterwards. Despite the horribleness that comes with it (feeling super guilty, feeling sick on sugar from all the chocolate), in that moment, I do get that enjoyment from the taste of the food. And despite wanting to stop after a normal amount, I keep going and going...

Eating late at night is also a bit of an issue for me. I have trouble going to sleep or making myself go to sleep. Partly because I can't fall asleep easily and partly because I don't want to go to sleep as it will mean having to wake up to face the reality of the next day. So more often than not, I would eat to stay awake. Even if I am so tired and my body is telling me I need sleep, my mind forces me to stay awake. And I end up eating continuously to stay awake. It's not at all pleasant to be feeling stuffed at 3 or 4 am in the morning and then having to wake up 3 hours later to get ready for work still feeling tired and bloated.

I use food as a coping mechanism for my emotions as well. For me, it's a way for me to avoid the emotions I don't want to feel: anxiety, sadness, fear, boredom. When I do it, I just go on autopilot and don't need to think about anything anymore. All the stress and worries are set aside for the moment. (only in that moment though :( ).

It's become a habit and that's why it's so hard change. Logically, I know it's bad and that I should break the habit and do things which may prevent me from having these episodes. Such as eat more during the day, not buy or have "binge food" around, talk to someone instead of keeping it all to myself. But in the moment, it's like I don't even think about it. I just act on impulse and regret it afterwards. I want to change but at the same time I don't want to.  Even though the relief is only for a short period of time, even though it brings with it the physical and mental strain, I'm still hanging onto it because it gives me a sense of comfort and familiarity. 

I really need to break the habit, find the motivation to want to break it. Just not sure how to do either, particularly the latter... >_<