Compare and despair

How very true this statement is. I did the one of the most pointless things yesterday. I asked my sister how much she weighed. Why? Because my ED's curiosity got the better of me. Funny how easily it can mess with your head.

A couple of days ago, I was just at home and my mum happened to be there (I'm not home that much as I get in late from work and she's normally asleep or doing something else). I noticed that she looked thinner than I remembered. And we got to talking and she mentioned that she had lost a few kilos. Not on purpose, but just from doing a lot and having to take care of my nephew most days (which would definitely take a lot of energy). Then the ED got a hold of my thoughts and I asked how much she weighed...

Was there a point to this? No. But I asked and was I happy about the result? No. She still weighs more than I do and I am taller than her. But the number was closer than I thought and since then, it's been nagging at the back of my mind. I've been having thoughts like: "how come she can eat normally and still lose weight?", "I must not be sick enough anymore if I weigh almost as much as her".

And then yesterday, I did an even more unproductive thing and asked my sister what she weighed. And she said she was about the same as my mum, except she's a bit taller. I'm still taller than her, but in my ED mind, that's not the point. The only thing that matters is the number. Logic doesn't play a part. 

Knowing how much they weigh did nothing but make it harder to turn my mind back into a more positive direction. So now I'm torn between the thoughts in my head. Trying to reason with myself that it's just a number; everyone is different; if they are able to eat freely and not have an eating disorder and still be at a normal weight, why wouldn't I be able to as well. 

This is just a game the ED likes to play. Unfortunately, it's had a lot of practice, years of it in fact, so it's pretty good at it. But I don't want to give up yet. Writing this down is sort of helping me see more plainly what the ED is doing and how it's affecting my thoughts and my recovery. It's not much, but it's a start