Can I do recovery?

Just thinking about it is making me feel anxious. A sort of nervousness and tightness around my chest.

When I think about whether I can try and really put my mind to recovery, there's a fleeting moment where I'm like "yeah, maybe I can", then straight away it's gone.

I can't seem to hold on to the positivity because there's no space for it in my life. Or at least I haven't made the space for it. I've committed to other things, filled up my time and devoted my energy to everything else but recovery. So even if that one part of me wants to try, the rest of me, the majority won't even give it a chance.

I guess the main thing (or maybe the only thing) that's kind of taking up all my mental and physical energy is work and basically having just committed to at least a year to it. Even thinking about it is making me dread it. A whole year minimum of doing something that I don't want to be doing. Why did I do it, I'd ask myself. And the answer is because it's what everyone expects me to do. To do something with my degree, have some sort of career. Jump on the business bandwagon.

So I've signed up and now it seems too late to back out. And a part of me doesn't want to back out because I also have that expectation of myself. And I don't want to disappoint the people who've hired me. I know they can probably find another person who would be perfectly capable of doing the job. But they chose me this time around and how can I disappoint them?

So because of this work stuff, I don't have time or space to focus on recovery. I'm aware that this sounds like an excuse and that I'm using my ED to cope with the stress and unease I feel about work. But short of quitting, which doesn't seem to be an option (or one I'm willing to take), I don't know how else to cope.

Does this mean another year of being stuck in this ED hell? 

That 0.01%

Sometimes I can hear that small part of me that says I can do it. That recovery might be possible. It may only last a few moments, maybe only for a few seconds. It gets covered up by the (almost) all-consuming ED most of the time and it's hard to hold onto it.

Struggling

I’m struggling. I can’t seem to turn things around, or more precisely, I don’t want to. I don’t want the job I just got. But I’ve accepted the offer and I know they expect me to stay at least a year to 18 months. I can’t quit because I don’t want them to not like me. I am dreading the actual job because it’ll involve dealing with people, having to talk to people on the phone, answer their questions, give them answers, give them information they need, solve their problems (about their work anyway). I don’t want to be doing it, but I have to. It’s what everyone thinks I should do. It’s what’s expected of me.

I can’t face the fact that I need to get better. I don’t want to. I need to be a bit better for a job I don’t want to do but have to because I’ve committed to it. I just want to it all to end right now. I don’t want to face it. I want a rest. I want everything to end. Right now. Please let me fall asleep and never wake up again. Let my heart give out. I don’t want to have to wake up to another day. Feeling the tug and war about food. Knowing that I should be eating so I can function better and be able to do my job properly, but inside (every part of me really) is fighting against recovery because I want to stay sick and get worse so that I physically can’t do the work anymore (if I end up fainting or collapsing or dying – although with my luck that’s not likely going to happen).

I wish I could disappear, be in an accident. At least then it wouldn’t be my fault that they have to find another person to do the job. And it wouldn’t be because I’m not good enough or can’t cope with the pressure or am incompetent.
All the ED thoughts go through me head all day. In a way, if I wasn’t thinking about them, I’d be stressing about work. I don’t know which is better. Or worst. There’s nothing besides these two things. And I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing I can do. I feel like I’m constantly suffocating and trapped and there’s no way out.

Feelings around my new job

So I'll be starting a new job next week. They have arranged for me to go to Melbourne (I'm from Sydney) for 4 days to do some training. It's a good opportunity, and great that they are covering all the costs etc. 

I'm quite worried and nervous though. Both in terms actually getting there and doing the training and the work, and also in terms of the time I will have by myself, especially in the evenings.

I'm trying to stay positive about it and not to think too much. But inside I'm scared. I'm not sure how I'll cope being totally on my own and without any distractions from myself and my thoughts.

The changes that are happening surrounding this job has really hit me hard these last few weeks. I can see all the pros of it that everyone else can see. And the practical part of me agrees with them. But as much as I try to convince myself, I can't seem to feel more positive about it. In my heart, it's not something I want to do. There is fear around change and doing something new and unknown, and I know that that is also contributing to my apprehension about the whole situation. But mostly, I don't feel positive about it because it's something I'm doing because it's what expected of me, it's what anyone else in my situation would probably do.

And it's a constant struggle trying to come to terms with the reality of it. Even thinking about it now is causing a tension in my body. I feel like every part of me is fighting against it. My head is constantly trying to remind myself that this is what I should and therefore have to do. Whilst the rest of me is at a lost as to how to cope with whatever it is that I'm feeling right now: dread, fear, anxiety, sadness, a sense of resignation.

Compare and despair

How very true this statement is. I did the one of the most pointless things yesterday. I asked my sister how much she weighed. Why? Because my ED's curiosity got the better of me. Funny how easily it can mess with your head.

A couple of days ago, I was just at home and my mum happened to be there (I'm not home that much as I get in late from work and she's normally asleep or doing something else). I noticed that she looked thinner than I remembered. And we got to talking and she mentioned that she had lost a few kilos. Not on purpose, but just from doing a lot and having to take care of my nephew most days (which would definitely take a lot of energy). Then the ED got a hold of my thoughts and I asked how much she weighed...

Was there a point to this? No. But I asked and was I happy about the result? No. She still weighs more than I do and I am taller than her. But the number was closer than I thought and since then, it's been nagging at the back of my mind. I've been having thoughts like: "how come she can eat normally and still lose weight?", "I must not be sick enough anymore if I weigh almost as much as her".

And then yesterday, I did an even more unproductive thing and asked my sister what she weighed. And she said she was about the same as my mum, except she's a bit taller. I'm still taller than her, but in my ED mind, that's not the point. The only thing that matters is the number. Logic doesn't play a part. 

Knowing how much they weigh did nothing but make it harder to turn my mind back into a more positive direction. So now I'm torn between the thoughts in my head. Trying to reason with myself that it's just a number; everyone is different; if they are able to eat freely and not have an eating disorder and still be at a normal weight, why wouldn't I be able to as well. 

This is just a game the ED likes to play. Unfortunately, it's had a lot of practice, years of it in fact, so it's pretty good at it. But I don't want to give up yet. Writing this down is sort of helping me see more plainly what the ED is doing and how it's affecting my thoughts and my recovery. It's not much, but it's a start

Distracted

It's been a tiring week. Lots of work at work. Things have been a bit hectic. I'm also starting my new job in one week's time, and am still apprehensive and worried about the change.

I'm finding that when I'm so busy and distracted, that eating sort of drops down on my list of priority. I still think about it, but in the unhelpful, can't get it out of my mind way, rather than in a more recovery-focused way. Because it takes a lot of mental energy and concentration to even think about recovery, let alone do it. It's not that I don't want it. A part of me still does. It's just that I feel so tired and it's been easier to pretend it's not important and just do whatever's easiest. Which unfortunately, is doing nothing at all.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I know I haven't put in much effort lately in terms of recovery and doing what I need to change. Writing this down is making me realise this. I'm sorry for a sort of rushed and not really positive post. But I just write as a way to let thoughts out a bit and process it all.

Overeating

A lot of the time, I find myself eating for reasons other than physical hunger. That frustrates me because the whole point of recovery (okay, not the whole point, but a big part of it) is to re-learn how to sense your hunger signals, not use food as a coping mechanism. It's frustrating because I know that's what I want, to be able stop turning to food to deal with emotions, whether it is restricting, bingeing/purging etc.

Lately, I've probably had more frequent episodes of "binges". I say "binges" because they haven't been as bad as they used to be. An example of what I would eat in one sitting would be a large bag of popcorn, yoghurt and a family size block of chocolate or a few chocolate bars and muesli bars. I know that binges could be much worse because I've been there before. But nevertheless, when I do have these episodes, I feel awful, guilty and ashamed. 

There are a few reasons as to why I have been overeating lately. At one level, there is an element of physical hunger, especially if I have been a but restrictive during the day (I tend to binge late at night). I also have a tendency to roughly keep track of how much/many calories I've eaten during the day and in my mind, I think there's a "limit" that I give myself in therm of how much I am allowed to eat. So if on any given day, I didn't have a lot during the day, I'd think that it's okay for me to have more food (even if it's all junk food) to "make up" for the day's total amount. 

Another reason for why I have these night eating sessions is because I almost look forward to it, even it I know that it makes me miserable and gross afterwards. Despite the horribleness that comes with it (feeling super guilty, feeling sick on sugar from all the chocolate), in that moment, I do get that enjoyment from the taste of the food. And despite wanting to stop after a normal amount, I keep going and going...

Eating late at night is also a bit of an issue for me. I have trouble going to sleep or making myself go to sleep. Partly because I can't fall asleep easily and partly because I don't want to go to sleep as it will mean having to wake up to face the reality of the next day. So more often than not, I would eat to stay awake. Even if I am so tired and my body is telling me I need sleep, my mind forces me to stay awake. And I end up eating continuously to stay awake. It's not at all pleasant to be feeling stuffed at 3 or 4 am in the morning and then having to wake up 3 hours later to get ready for work still feeling tired and bloated.

I use food as a coping mechanism for my emotions as well. For me, it's a way for me to avoid the emotions I don't want to feel: anxiety, sadness, fear, boredom. When I do it, I just go on autopilot and don't need to think about anything anymore. All the stress and worries are set aside for the moment. (only in that moment though :( ).

It's become a habit and that's why it's so hard change. Logically, I know it's bad and that I should break the habit and do things which may prevent me from having these episodes. Such as eat more during the day, not buy or have "binge food" around, talk to someone instead of keeping it all to myself. But in the moment, it's like I don't even think about it. I just act on impulse and regret it afterwards. I want to change but at the same time I don't want to.  Even though the relief is only for a short period of time, even though it brings with it the physical and mental strain, I'm still hanging onto it because it gives me a sense of comfort and familiarity. 

I really need to break the habit, find the motivation to want to break it. Just not sure how to do either, particularly the latter... >_<

What's the point

Where did your mind lean towards when your read the title "What's the point"?

Did you think: What's the point of all of this, the hard work, the weight gain, the anxiety, the effort...

Or did you thing: What's the point of all of this, staying stuck, restricting/binging/purging, perpetuating the ED...

The thing is, it's so easier to switch from one train of thought to the other when in recovery. Logically (and sometimes in your heart), you can see that holding onto your ED is getting you nowhere. Sure, you may be comfortable and feel safe. You might feel "in control" and good about yourself for a little while. But in the end, it's basically a miserable existence where you are trapped in the world of your ED rather than actually living and experiencing life. 

I get it, it's so hard to focus on the positive track and break away from the pattern that you have known and practised for so long. This is especially hard if you are still underweight and your brain and your mind is still under-nourished and unable to think as clearly and rationally. 

But really, what is the point of your ED? Does it really make you happy? Is this how you want the rest of your life to be like? Do you want to only be known for being the one with an eating disorder for the rest of your life (which could be cut short if you keep staying on this track)? Is it worth it to have your life and your mind being taken over by thoughts and stress about food/weight/shape?

Choosing the alternative (recovery) is no walk in the park. It will take an immense amount of effort and there will be times when it just seems too hard. Those are the times when you will think about going back to the safety of the ED. When this happens, stop, and think: What is it that you want ultimately - a life with an ED filled with all the struggles and wasted energy, or a life without an ED where you actually get to experience what life has to offer. 

If you want a life without your ED, will going back to it right now help you get closer to a life without it? Or will it just mean you will stay stuck in this ongoing cycle of <wanting to get better - working to get better - finding it hard - retreating back to the ED - contemplating recovery again - wanting to get better again...>. Somewhere along the line, you have to break the cycle. However hard it may get, we need to push through that stage where we get tempted by the familiarity and safety of the ED. Because as long as we keep going back to it, we will keep staying in that cycle of going back and forth between recovery and relapse.

I'm not saying it's easy to just switch off that part of your brain that wants to go back to the ED. And there will probably be times when it all becomes too much and behaviours come back or a relapse may occur. But the important thing is, when you are able to have a small moment of clarity, stop and think: what is the point of holding onto the ED, will staying with it, listening to it, acting on the urges and thoughts really make things easier? Or will it simply keep me stay stuck in the never-ending cycle semi-recovery.

When you have those moments where you are thinking about recovery and the good things that can come from letting go of your ED for good, do your best to hang on to them. Let these moments of clarity guide your actions in the direction of where you want your life to go.

New day, new start

Stuck

Lately, I've been stuck: still have behaviours and not able to push myself to move forward and get past this stage. Basically I'm just lacking motivation.

I hate admitting that. That I can't just find the motivation, that I can't just push myself pass this phase. It just seems as though I'm being lazy and not trying hard enough. I don't like being like this and being stuck in limbo land. But at the same time, it's my comfort zone, and it's easier than having to face the scariness of change and uncertainty.

It doesn't feel as "good" as when I was less well physically though. This is a horrible thing to say, but I miss being anorexic :(. Or at least my ED misses it, the feelings of "control" and "achievement" when I have the "willpower" to restrict and lose weight (yes I know it's not really control). Right now, I don't even have the energy or drive to do that. Instead I'm just staying the same, doing unhelpful behaviours like bingeing and purging (not that restricting is helpful either). But I guess I'm just venting that bingeing and purging don't produce that same "good" feeling as restriction. And I can't seem to stop myself from doing these behaviours even though I know they are not helping at or. But in that moment, there is no logic to my actions.

It's really hard.