Struggling

I’m struggling. I can’t seem to turn things around, or more precisely, I don’t want to. I don’t want the job I just got. But I’ve accepted the offer and I know they expect me to stay at least a year to 18 months. I can’t quit because I don’t want them to not like me. I am dreading the actual job because it’ll involve dealing with people, having to talk to people on the phone, answer their questions, give them answers, give them information they need, solve their problems (about their work anyway). I don’t want to be doing it, but I have to. It’s what everyone thinks I should do. It’s what’s expected of me.

I can’t face the fact that I need to get better. I don’t want to. I need to be a bit better for a job I don’t want to do but have to because I’ve committed to it. I just want to it all to end right now. I don’t want to face it. I want a rest. I want everything to end. Right now. Please let me fall asleep and never wake up again. Let my heart give out. I don’t want to have to wake up to another day. Feeling the tug and war about food. Knowing that I should be eating so I can function better and be able to do my job properly, but inside (every part of me really) is fighting against recovery because I want to stay sick and get worse so that I physically can’t do the work anymore (if I end up fainting or collapsing or dying – although with my luck that’s not likely going to happen).

I wish I could disappear, be in an accident. At least then it wouldn’t be my fault that they have to find another person to do the job. And it wouldn’t be because I’m not good enough or can’t cope with the pressure or am incompetent.
All the ED thoughts go through me head all day. In a way, if I wasn’t thinking about them, I’d be stressing about work. I don’t know which is better. Or worst. There’s nothing besides these two things. And I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing I can do. I feel like I’m constantly suffocating and trapped and there’s no way out.