What's the point

Where did your mind lean towards when your read the title "What's the point"?

Did you think: What's the point of all of this, the hard work, the weight gain, the anxiety, the effort...

Or did you thing: What's the point of all of this, staying stuck, restricting/binging/purging, perpetuating the ED...

The thing is, it's so easier to switch from one train of thought to the other when in recovery. Logically (and sometimes in your heart), you can see that holding onto your ED is getting you nowhere. Sure, you may be comfortable and feel safe. You might feel "in control" and good about yourself for a little while. But in the end, it's basically a miserable existence where you are trapped in the world of your ED rather than actually living and experiencing life. 

I get it, it's so hard to focus on the positive track and break away from the pattern that you have known and practised for so long. This is especially hard if you are still underweight and your brain and your mind is still under-nourished and unable to think as clearly and rationally. 

But really, what is the point of your ED? Does it really make you happy? Is this how you want the rest of your life to be like? Do you want to only be known for being the one with an eating disorder for the rest of your life (which could be cut short if you keep staying on this track)? Is it worth it to have your life and your mind being taken over by thoughts and stress about food/weight/shape?

Choosing the alternative (recovery) is no walk in the park. It will take an immense amount of effort and there will be times when it just seems too hard. Those are the times when you will think about going back to the safety of the ED. When this happens, stop, and think: What is it that you want ultimately - a life with an ED filled with all the struggles and wasted energy, or a life without an ED where you actually get to experience what life has to offer. 

If you want a life without your ED, will going back to it right now help you get closer to a life without it? Or will it just mean you will stay stuck in this ongoing cycle of <wanting to get better - working to get better - finding it hard - retreating back to the ED - contemplating recovery again - wanting to get better again...>. Somewhere along the line, you have to break the cycle. However hard it may get, we need to push through that stage where we get tempted by the familiarity and safety of the ED. Because as long as we keep going back to it, we will keep staying in that cycle of going back and forth between recovery and relapse.

I'm not saying it's easy to just switch off that part of your brain that wants to go back to the ED. And there will probably be times when it all becomes too much and behaviours come back or a relapse may occur. But the important thing is, when you are able to have a small moment of clarity, stop and think: what is the point of holding onto the ED, will staying with it, listening to it, acting on the urges and thoughts really make things easier? Or will it simply keep me stay stuck in the never-ending cycle semi-recovery.

When you have those moments where you are thinking about recovery and the good things that can come from letting go of your ED for good, do your best to hang on to them. Let these moments of clarity guide your actions in the direction of where you want your life to go.