I have always been a high achiever at school. I guess that's how I think of myself now and also back when I was younger. I got high marks at high school and received various awards. I liked doing well at school, and my focus to make sure I got good grades, get a high mark for the HSC (entry score for university). I did have friends (of people who I would sit with at school), but I wouldn't say I had any good friends. At the same time, I didn't really feel the need to have close friendships, although I have never had any close relationships with anyone, so in a way, there was nothing to miss.
Looking back, school and studies were basically my identity. It's what I was known for and it suite me fine. I didn't have any issues with eating during my teens but I think there was a period when I was about 15 where I first experienced depression as I remember just crying a lot for no reason and I also started self harming around that time (which couldn't have been a normal thing to do, but at the time, I honestly didn't think anything was wrong).
If I had to pinpoint a time when the eating disorder started, it would probably at the end of high school. I suppose it's almost the typical case of a period of change and uncertainty about what I'm going to do now that the routine of school was over and the need for control in my life. Although it didn't seem to start out like that. I remember the year of my 18th birthday, I was home alone as my parents had to attend a funeral overseas (I didn't really mind that they weren't there as our family has never been very close). One of my school friends had made me a birthday cake for me to take home. It's such a long time ago so I don't really remember the exact details, but I remember having some of the cake, and then for some reason, I had more of it, and more of it until I had the whole cake. I don't remember whether I felt physically sick or not (I probably did a bit), but I think I did feel some sort of guilt. And that's when I first tried purging. To be honest, it was almost as if I was curious to see if I could make myself sick. So I tried it and it wasn't that hard. In a nutshell, that's how it started.
It wasn't anything too drastic to begin with (it never is at the beginning), probably just purging a occasionally, sometimes after feeling I've eaten a bit too much. And then I suppose the restricting probably slowly crept in after that. I don't think I had any intention of losing weight (I was normal on the slim side to begin with), but it just became a habit that, as habits go, got harder and harder to break. I still remember bits and pieces of what I did before I even realised that something was wrong: I would have had dinner with the family, but afterwards, I'd be eating a few bowls of cereal and some chips of something, and then I'd take a book or my laptop and go to the bathroom (it was winter and there was a heater in the bathroom) and "pretend" to just read or be on the computer, while I'd purge. Another funny habit I had was drinking flavoured milk. We would get the multipack poppers (e.g. chocolate milk), but rather than just drinking the one, I would pour a bit into a glass and top it up with skim milk, and I'd keep doing this, drinking several glasses of "diluted" flavoured milk until I finished the popper (back then I didn't know what calories were and didn't think drinks counted haha). It's funny that my family didn't really catch on. But like I mentioned, we weren't really close and everyone sort of did there own thing.
After about a year or so, the restricting/bingeing/purging became more regular, I lost some weight, became more obsessive with food and food related things (recipes, cooking, diets etc.). I started looking up about eating disorders and saw that I had the signs and symptoms for it. And one day, I just ended up telling my Dad about it. It was probably one of the most difficult and awkward things I have had to do since like I said, we are not the sort of family who were opened to each other. And throughout my illness and recovery, when I have not been in the best state of mind, I have often regret having told anyone about it, instead wishing that I had left it and let it get worse. But mostly, I'm glad I did say something, because there have been good things in my life that have come out of choosing to face my eating disorder.
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