Reassurance

There are plenty of benefits that can come from letting go of your eating disorder and being in recovery. Or so I've heard. Mostly, it is doctors or therapists or dietitians that tell you how life would be so much better without you ED, how you'll feel stronger both physically and mentally, how you'll be able to engage more in life, form friendships and relationships etc. Logically, I can sort of believe them. Life with an ED is not what I would call fantastic. But when you've known nothing else, how do you bring yourself to basically take a blind leap of faith in the hope that things will get better?

In the past, I think there have been times when I've really given it a go. I would come out of hospital and stuck to my meal plan. It usually go alright for a while, weeks maybe even a few months. I stuck it out because I wanted to really give recovery a goal, I held the hope that what my support team said was true, that is, that if I kept at it (following me meal plan, not doing behaviours etc.), it will get easier, life will get better.

And I'll admit, the eating part did get a little easier. I was able to try new foods, not stressed over deciding what to eat or how much to eat, could go out and eat with others. But despite this, the feeling of emptiness remained. When I say emptiness, I'm talking about the emptiness in life, of not feeling anything is worth doing, still having no desire to do things, not knowing what to do, not feeling connected with the people around you. 

I felt that even though I've been really trying in terms of committing to recovery (from my ED at least), I didn't feel different, apart from the fact that I've put on weight, which totally sucks :(. I supposed I had hoped that if I stuck at it long enough, things will change for the better and I'll realise that the effort I've put in was worth it.

But when that didn't happen, trying and wanting to try became really tiring. It's felt like I was constantly doing something I did not want to do (eating and gaining weigh) for no reason at all apart from because it was what my family/doctor/therapist wanted me to do.

I guess what I want right now is reassurance from those who have been in this position, people who have actually had to put in the effort, stay committed to recovery, but who have experienced the benefits that comes from doing this. Someone who can reassure me that it is worth it.