Eating disorder in disguise

Everywhere I look nowadays, there's food. And when I mean everywhere, I'm talking about on TV, on the internet, in magazine, newspapers, blogs. Okay, so having an eating disorder probably means I'm prone to looking at food-related things, but nevertheless, there's a lot of focus in society. 

In particular, there's a lot of information about healthy eating, weight loss, meal plans etc. There is a plethora of articles and hype about nutrition, living a healthy and balanced lifestyle, different diet trends, exercise etc. This is understandable, given that obesity is an issue society is facing and fitness and health is something that many people strive towards.

Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with following these sorts of lifestyles and diets. And I'm sure that for a lot of people, they are able to incorporate these into their everyday life and feel the benefits from them. But when you have an eating disorder, it's easy to get tricked into thinking that these diets are simply "healthy" and that it's okay to follow them by the book. To think that you're doing fine when you are following these types of diets and exercise regimes, even though the thought of eating a piece of cake at a birthday party totally throws you off your game, makes you anxious and worried. Is that any way to live? Is it normal to only feel scared every time someone offers you food?

Sometimes when I hear about these diets and trends, or read blogs by people who follow these healthy lifestyles, I sort of wish that I could do that. I wish I had that self discipline to just "eat healthily". But then again, that could just be my ED talking, trying to convince me into thinking that it's absolutely fine for me to avoid foods or situations which the particular "healthy diet" does not allow. 

I don't think I want to buy into what my ED is trying to sell me. I'd rather be able to go to movies, and share a popcorn with someone without feeling so guilty that I forget to watch the movie. Or be thinking about a slice of birthday cake that I refused to accept because it doesn't fit in with my diet. Because where's the fun in that (or maybe I need to try a nice green smoothie ;) )?