It's just a muesli bar

It’s crazy how when I really have to think about it, how much I’m affected by my ED thoughts. Most of the time, I think I don’t really have that much of a problem, ED-wise. I think: I’m not that bad, I don’t really think about food that much, I don’t really get anxious about it. I’m not affected as much by it as other people with anorexia/bulimia.

But now writing about it, and having to think about it, I’m realising that there is a lot of ED thoughts going through my head. 

Getting back to the title, I’ve just eaten a muesli bar for morning tea. It probably took me about an hour and a half to actually decide to have it. I’m not sure if it was the recovery part of me that got me to eat it, or the ED part which “craved” eating it. I know it was the anorexic part that said “just eat half of it, then you won’t feel so bad, and you can save it for later”, but then I think the binge part of me made me eat the other half anyway.

End result: I’m feeling really guilty.

And all because I ate a muesli bar. (Before you say anything, I know it’s totally normal to have one for a snack and totally irrational to think that I’ve overeaten, but that’s what my mind is telling me.)

I probably finished it half an hour ago, and I’m still thinking about it as well as feeling fullness from it (not sure if it’s imagined or not. But I’ve been feeling bloated and yuk most of the time anyway).

I know I have to push through. Fight the ED thoughts. Try to remind myself that I need the energy, I need to put on the weight in order to recover, that the muesli bar is helping me, it’s not a bad thing, it tasted nice and it’s just a muesli bar.