Small successes

So I've actually had success for the past two days. Finally no binge/purge for two consecutive days after probably a few weeks of doing these behaviours most days. It feels good to be able to acknowledge that.

This may not seem like a big deal, or just a small success. But to be honest, it's a huge deal and just writing about it now has made me realise how much effort and mental energy it took to actually try and have "better" days the past two days.

For those of you who suffer from anorexia (binge/purge) type or bulimia, I'm sure you know if you try and restrict, you're most likely going to end up bingeing/purging. And for the past few weeks, that's exactly how I've been. I did have a bit of a tough time in the last month or two with other personal things and basically used my ED to cope (no surprises there). There wasn't even any thoughts about trying to recover, let alone doing it. Sometimes I'd think about recovery, or think "I'll stop doing the behaviours tomorrow" or "this will be the last time" etc. But mostly, I've been tired and down and the ED would take over.

But in the last week or so, having read some blogs and articles on ED and recovery (this was also because I became a bit more focused on my ED as well and probably became more drawn to anything ED and food related), it's made me think more about trying again. And not just contemplating it, but actually making the effort and doing it. 

And so that's what I've been doing for the last couple of days, consciously making the effort to eat a bit more during the day (as I tend to restrict in the day and b/p at night). And guess what, I felt less of an urge to binge at night. Of course, logically, I knew this would probably happen, as my dietitian had always advised me of this and also from past experience. But I tended to go on auto-pilot when I'm not feeling great and "trying" doesn't even come into the equation.

I'm not really sure what made me decide to try harder, maybe reading other people's posts and their experiences helped. Actually, it helped a lot to see that recovery is possible, that it doesn't have to stay like this. But also, starting and writing this blog has made to really think about things and provided an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. Even though no one actually reads this, writing things down here sort of feels like talking to someone and letting someone know how I'm going instead of just keeping it all in. Perhaps expressing my thoughts and feelings has freed up some space in my mind to think more about doing better and then actually making the effort to do it.

It was hard (and still is) to try and eat more normal amounts and not skip meals/snacks. Since I've been writing about this, I've realise just how much I do think about food, eating, ED stuff etc. But right now, as much as my ED doesn't want to admit it, I feel better at least physically, having been purge free for two days. I'll be honest, my mind is still definitely all over the place, the guilt from eating is still there, and most of the time, my thoughts are still revolving around food and eating. But I know it takes time and practice for thought patterns to start changing. You have to keep trying and keep doing what you need to despite what the ED is telling you.