Can I do recovery?

Just thinking about it is making me feel anxious. A sort of nervousness and tightness around my chest.

When I think about whether I can try and really put my mind to recovery, there's a fleeting moment where I'm like "yeah, maybe I can", then straight away it's gone.

I can't seem to hold on to the positivity because there's no space for it in my life. Or at least I haven't made the space for it. I've committed to other things, filled up my time and devoted my energy to everything else but recovery. So even if that one part of me wants to try, the rest of me, the majority won't even give it a chance.

I guess the main thing (or maybe the only thing) that's kind of taking up all my mental and physical energy is work and basically having just committed to at least a year to it. Even thinking about it is making me dread it. A whole year minimum of doing something that I don't want to be doing. Why did I do it, I'd ask myself. And the answer is because it's what everyone expects me to do. To do something with my degree, have some sort of career. Jump on the business bandwagon.

So I've signed up and now it seems too late to back out. And a part of me doesn't want to back out because I also have that expectation of myself. And I don't want to disappoint the people who've hired me. I know they can probably find another person who would be perfectly capable of doing the job. But they chose me this time around and how can I disappoint them?

So because of this work stuff, I don't have time or space to focus on recovery. I'm aware that this sounds like an excuse and that I'm using my ED to cope with the stress and unease I feel about work. But short of quitting, which doesn't seem to be an option (or one I'm willing to take), I don't know how else to cope.

Does this mean another year of being stuck in this ED hell? 

That 0.01%

Sometimes I can hear that small part of me that says I can do it. That recovery might be possible. It may only last a few moments, maybe only for a few seconds. It gets covered up by the (almost) all-consuming ED most of the time and it's hard to hold onto it.

Struggling

I’m struggling. I can’t seem to turn things around, or more precisely, I don’t want to. I don’t want the job I just got. But I’ve accepted the offer and I know they expect me to stay at least a year to 18 months. I can’t quit because I don’t want them to not like me. I am dreading the actual job because it’ll involve dealing with people, having to talk to people on the phone, answer their questions, give them answers, give them information they need, solve their problems (about their work anyway). I don’t want to be doing it, but I have to. It’s what everyone thinks I should do. It’s what’s expected of me.

I can’t face the fact that I need to get better. I don’t want to. I need to be a bit better for a job I don’t want to do but have to because I’ve committed to it. I just want to it all to end right now. I don’t want to face it. I want a rest. I want everything to end. Right now. Please let me fall asleep and never wake up again. Let my heart give out. I don’t want to have to wake up to another day. Feeling the tug and war about food. Knowing that I should be eating so I can function better and be able to do my job properly, but inside (every part of me really) is fighting against recovery because I want to stay sick and get worse so that I physically can’t do the work anymore (if I end up fainting or collapsing or dying – although with my luck that’s not likely going to happen).

I wish I could disappear, be in an accident. At least then it wouldn’t be my fault that they have to find another person to do the job. And it wouldn’t be because I’m not good enough or can’t cope with the pressure or am incompetent.
All the ED thoughts go through me head all day. In a way, if I wasn’t thinking about them, I’d be stressing about work. I don’t know which is better. Or worst. There’s nothing besides these two things. And I don’t know what to do. There’s nothing I can do. I feel like I’m constantly suffocating and trapped and there’s no way out.

Feelings around my new job

So I'll be starting a new job next week. They have arranged for me to go to Melbourne (I'm from Sydney) for 4 days to do some training. It's a good opportunity, and great that they are covering all the costs etc. 

I'm quite worried and nervous though. Both in terms actually getting there and doing the training and the work, and also in terms of the time I will have by myself, especially in the evenings.

I'm trying to stay positive about it and not to think too much. But inside I'm scared. I'm not sure how I'll cope being totally on my own and without any distractions from myself and my thoughts.

The changes that are happening surrounding this job has really hit me hard these last few weeks. I can see all the pros of it that everyone else can see. And the practical part of me agrees with them. But as much as I try to convince myself, I can't seem to feel more positive about it. In my heart, it's not something I want to do. There is fear around change and doing something new and unknown, and I know that that is also contributing to my apprehension about the whole situation. But mostly, I don't feel positive about it because it's something I'm doing because it's what expected of me, it's what anyone else in my situation would probably do.

And it's a constant struggle trying to come to terms with the reality of it. Even thinking about it now is causing a tension in my body. I feel like every part of me is fighting against it. My head is constantly trying to remind myself that this is what I should and therefore have to do. Whilst the rest of me is at a lost as to how to cope with whatever it is that I'm feeling right now: dread, fear, anxiety, sadness, a sense of resignation.

Compare and despair

How very true this statement is. I did the one of the most pointless things yesterday. I asked my sister how much she weighed. Why? Because my ED's curiosity got the better of me. Funny how easily it can mess with your head.

A couple of days ago, I was just at home and my mum happened to be there (I'm not home that much as I get in late from work and she's normally asleep or doing something else). I noticed that she looked thinner than I remembered. And we got to talking and she mentioned that she had lost a few kilos. Not on purpose, but just from doing a lot and having to take care of my nephew most days (which would definitely take a lot of energy). Then the ED got a hold of my thoughts and I asked how much she weighed...

Was there a point to this? No. But I asked and was I happy about the result? No. She still weighs more than I do and I am taller than her. But the number was closer than I thought and since then, it's been nagging at the back of my mind. I've been having thoughts like: "how come she can eat normally and still lose weight?", "I must not be sick enough anymore if I weigh almost as much as her".

And then yesterday, I did an even more unproductive thing and asked my sister what she weighed. And she said she was about the same as my mum, except she's a bit taller. I'm still taller than her, but in my ED mind, that's not the point. The only thing that matters is the number. Logic doesn't play a part. 

Knowing how much they weigh did nothing but make it harder to turn my mind back into a more positive direction. So now I'm torn between the thoughts in my head. Trying to reason with myself that it's just a number; everyone is different; if they are able to eat freely and not have an eating disorder and still be at a normal weight, why wouldn't I be able to as well. 

This is just a game the ED likes to play. Unfortunately, it's had a lot of practice, years of it in fact, so it's pretty good at it. But I don't want to give up yet. Writing this down is sort of helping me see more plainly what the ED is doing and how it's affecting my thoughts and my recovery. It's not much, but it's a start

Distracted

It's been a tiring week. Lots of work at work. Things have been a bit hectic. I'm also starting my new job in one week's time, and am still apprehensive and worried about the change.

I'm finding that when I'm so busy and distracted, that eating sort of drops down on my list of priority. I still think about it, but in the unhelpful, can't get it out of my mind way, rather than in a more recovery-focused way. Because it takes a lot of mental energy and concentration to even think about recovery, let alone do it. It's not that I don't want it. A part of me still does. It's just that I feel so tired and it's been easier to pretend it's not important and just do whatever's easiest. Which unfortunately, is doing nothing at all.

I'm not trying to make excuses. I know I haven't put in much effort lately in terms of recovery and doing what I need to change. Writing this down is making me realise this. I'm sorry for a sort of rushed and not really positive post. But I just write as a way to let thoughts out a bit and process it all.

Overeating

A lot of the time, I find myself eating for reasons other than physical hunger. That frustrates me because the whole point of recovery (okay, not the whole point, but a big part of it) is to re-learn how to sense your hunger signals, not use food as a coping mechanism. It's frustrating because I know that's what I want, to be able stop turning to food to deal with emotions, whether it is restricting, bingeing/purging etc.

Lately, I've probably had more frequent episodes of "binges". I say "binges" because they haven't been as bad as they used to be. An example of what I would eat in one sitting would be a large bag of popcorn, yoghurt and a family size block of chocolate or a few chocolate bars and muesli bars. I know that binges could be much worse because I've been there before. But nevertheless, when I do have these episodes, I feel awful, guilty and ashamed. 

There are a few reasons as to why I have been overeating lately. At one level, there is an element of physical hunger, especially if I have been a but restrictive during the day (I tend to binge late at night). I also have a tendency to roughly keep track of how much/many calories I've eaten during the day and in my mind, I think there's a "limit" that I give myself in therm of how much I am allowed to eat. So if on any given day, I didn't have a lot during the day, I'd think that it's okay for me to have more food (even if it's all junk food) to "make up" for the day's total amount. 

Another reason for why I have these night eating sessions is because I almost look forward to it, even it I know that it makes me miserable and gross afterwards. Despite the horribleness that comes with it (feeling super guilty, feeling sick on sugar from all the chocolate), in that moment, I do get that enjoyment from the taste of the food. And despite wanting to stop after a normal amount, I keep going and going...

Eating late at night is also a bit of an issue for me. I have trouble going to sleep or making myself go to sleep. Partly because I can't fall asleep easily and partly because I don't want to go to sleep as it will mean having to wake up to face the reality of the next day. So more often than not, I would eat to stay awake. Even if I am so tired and my body is telling me I need sleep, my mind forces me to stay awake. And I end up eating continuously to stay awake. It's not at all pleasant to be feeling stuffed at 3 or 4 am in the morning and then having to wake up 3 hours later to get ready for work still feeling tired and bloated.

I use food as a coping mechanism for my emotions as well. For me, it's a way for me to avoid the emotions I don't want to feel: anxiety, sadness, fear, boredom. When I do it, I just go on autopilot and don't need to think about anything anymore. All the stress and worries are set aside for the moment. (only in that moment though :( ).

It's become a habit and that's why it's so hard change. Logically, I know it's bad and that I should break the habit and do things which may prevent me from having these episodes. Such as eat more during the day, not buy or have "binge food" around, talk to someone instead of keeping it all to myself. But in the moment, it's like I don't even think about it. I just act on impulse and regret it afterwards. I want to change but at the same time I don't want to.  Even though the relief is only for a short period of time, even though it brings with it the physical and mental strain, I'm still hanging onto it because it gives me a sense of comfort and familiarity. 

I really need to break the habit, find the motivation to want to break it. Just not sure how to do either, particularly the latter... >_<

What's the point

Where did your mind lean towards when your read the title "What's the point"?

Did you think: What's the point of all of this, the hard work, the weight gain, the anxiety, the effort...

Or did you thing: What's the point of all of this, staying stuck, restricting/binging/purging, perpetuating the ED...

The thing is, it's so easier to switch from one train of thought to the other when in recovery. Logically (and sometimes in your heart), you can see that holding onto your ED is getting you nowhere. Sure, you may be comfortable and feel safe. You might feel "in control" and good about yourself for a little while. But in the end, it's basically a miserable existence where you are trapped in the world of your ED rather than actually living and experiencing life. 

I get it, it's so hard to focus on the positive track and break away from the pattern that you have known and practised for so long. This is especially hard if you are still underweight and your brain and your mind is still under-nourished and unable to think as clearly and rationally. 

But really, what is the point of your ED? Does it really make you happy? Is this how you want the rest of your life to be like? Do you want to only be known for being the one with an eating disorder for the rest of your life (which could be cut short if you keep staying on this track)? Is it worth it to have your life and your mind being taken over by thoughts and stress about food/weight/shape?

Choosing the alternative (recovery) is no walk in the park. It will take an immense amount of effort and there will be times when it just seems too hard. Those are the times when you will think about going back to the safety of the ED. When this happens, stop, and think: What is it that you want ultimately - a life with an ED filled with all the struggles and wasted energy, or a life without an ED where you actually get to experience what life has to offer. 

If you want a life without your ED, will going back to it right now help you get closer to a life without it? Or will it just mean you will stay stuck in this ongoing cycle of <wanting to get better - working to get better - finding it hard - retreating back to the ED - contemplating recovery again - wanting to get better again...>. Somewhere along the line, you have to break the cycle. However hard it may get, we need to push through that stage where we get tempted by the familiarity and safety of the ED. Because as long as we keep going back to it, we will keep staying in that cycle of going back and forth between recovery and relapse.

I'm not saying it's easy to just switch off that part of your brain that wants to go back to the ED. And there will probably be times when it all becomes too much and behaviours come back or a relapse may occur. But the important thing is, when you are able to have a small moment of clarity, stop and think: what is the point of holding onto the ED, will staying with it, listening to it, acting on the urges and thoughts really make things easier? Or will it simply keep me stay stuck in the never-ending cycle semi-recovery.

When you have those moments where you are thinking about recovery and the good things that can come from letting go of your ED for good, do your best to hang on to them. Let these moments of clarity guide your actions in the direction of where you want your life to go.

New day, new start

Stuck

Lately, I've been stuck: still have behaviours and not able to push myself to move forward and get past this stage. Basically I'm just lacking motivation.

I hate admitting that. That I can't just find the motivation, that I can't just push myself pass this phase. It just seems as though I'm being lazy and not trying hard enough. I don't like being like this and being stuck in limbo land. But at the same time, it's my comfort zone, and it's easier than having to face the scariness of change and uncertainty.

It doesn't feel as "good" as when I was less well physically though. This is a horrible thing to say, but I miss being anorexic :(. Or at least my ED misses it, the feelings of "control" and "achievement" when I have the "willpower" to restrict and lose weight (yes I know it's not really control). Right now, I don't even have the energy or drive to do that. Instead I'm just staying the same, doing unhelpful behaviours like bingeing and purging (not that restricting is helpful either). But I guess I'm just venting that bingeing and purging don't produce that same "good" feeling as restriction. And I can't seem to stop myself from doing these behaviours even though I know they are not helping at or. But in that moment, there is no logic to my actions.

It's really hard.

Small Successes: Dinner with work friends

I went out to dinner tonight with four people from work. Part of me making more of an effort to socialise more and do normal-er things because i know that in the past, I did enjoy some parts of it despite the initial apprehension and multiple worries (e.g. the food, having interesting things to say, hoping that they won't get bored, did I mention the food?).

Anyway, this time around, I actually suggested that a few of us (from the supermarket where I work) could go out sometime. And believe me, it took me ages to actually work up the guts to say it out loud to one of my work friends. But sometimes we just have to go for it. Otherwise, we just end up being in the exactly same position. Perhaps not going backwards (although that was happening a little bit for me lately as I could see myself becoming more isolated and retreating into myself and the ED more), but also not moving towards recovery. 

I almost ended up saying that I can't go at the last minute because I was stressed out over the food (they decided to go to a Korean BBQ buffet >_<" ). But in the end, I went and even though the ED thoughts were there pretty much most of the time, and the food was not easy, I can honestly say I enjoyed bits of it. And for some of the time, I felt I was actually part of the occasion and joined in with the conversation, even had a few laughs.

These are the things which make recovery worth it :)

P.S. Following on from my last post, it was also nice to see what normal people eat at BBQ buffets. Let's just say there was A LOT of meat involved. And none of my friends gave a second thought to the amount they were eating. They ate because it tasted good, because they enjoyed it, because that's what you do when you go to a buffet :D

Eating with normal eaters

Something that I find can be helpful in recovery is to eat with people who I would consider to be "normal". When I say normal, I don't mean those who have a perfect diet, eats to a set plan/times or eats super healthy and balanced meals. I just mean people who do not have a disordered relationship with food. Granted, most people will still have their opinions about food, whether something is healthy or not, or make the odd comment about diet/weight/body image etc. But they wouldn't dwell on these things and stuff like this doesn't take over their lives.

More recently in my recovery, I've made a conscious effort to socialise more even though it's outside of my comfort zone. I've been doing this more because despite feeling anxious and awkward about it, I know that it is helping me and that over time, it has gotten easier and will continue to get easier the more I do it.

When I've been out with others, sometimes it's just good to see them relaxed around eating and not make a big deal out of where and when they eat and what they eat. Of course they will still choose what they prefer, but if things don't go exactly as planned, it's not the end of the world. Sometimes when you've been around eating disorders for so long (whether it is in hospital with other people with eating disorders, or just isolated with your own ED thoughts), you forget what it is to be "normal" around food. When you start going out again, and seeing how others are around food and eating, it sort of puts things into perspective. You see that food and eating is not always about calories/fat, healthy/unhealthy, lead to weight gain etc., but that it's just part of everyday life. It doesn't need to be something that you should be scared of or which has consequences. Because food is just food. It's gives you energy throughout the day to do whatever you are doing (or not doing because your body needs fuel even when it's not "doing" anything). It's also something to be enjoyed, both in terms of the choices and tastes, as well as the social aspect of it when you are eating with family or friends.

Another thing I'd like to mention is that at the moment, when I've been going out with others, these have been people who either don't know I have an eating disorder, or don't know much about my eating disorder (mainly people from my work). You may be wondering why I'm not "practising eating" with people who know me or my situation (e.g. my family or friends who have known me throughout my ED and recovery) as that might be easier since they are more aware and "understanding" of my feelings around food etc. But to be honest, I actually find it harder to eat normally around my family or people who know me better. I think that when I'm around them, there's less need for me to try as hard to eat normally, because I know that they will "allow it" if I don't do 100% well or if I act a little funny about the food. I've also gotten so used to not doing well when I'm around people who've known me throughout my illness that it's sort of become a habit. But with newer people, I almost don't want them to know the eating disordered side of me, because I just want to be normal and for them to know me for me. So when I'm with them, I find that I would try harder in terms of what I eat and how I act around food. 

The thoughts and anxiety is still there, but the more I do it, the easier it will be. In a way, the people I've been going out with have been an inspiration/role models for me (even though they don't know it ;) ). They've helped me to see that what it's like to have a normal relationship with food and to enjoy going out for a meal and just have a good time.

Do I really do that?

Do you sometimes feel like you're observing yourself from the outside and am surprised at what you are doing. Or more precisely, what your ED is doing? I do. 

Just this morning, I was having toast for breakfast and was just doing the usual, putting on butter and jam. And then before I knew it, I was cutting the toast up into bite size pieces. I think in the end, I cut up one piece of toast into sixteen little bits. I almost have to laugh at how ridiculous that looked. I imagine that someone else who sees me doing this would agree that this behaviour was weird. 

This time around, I didn't catch myself before I started cutting up my toast. But other times, when I'm not on total autopilot, I try to consciously think about what I am doing with my food or eating behaviours. I would imagine that I was a "normal' person looking at what I was doing, and see if that behaviour would be considered "normal" or weird. Sometimes this can help put things into perspective and stop me from doing funny things with my food. 

Eating disorder in disguise

Everywhere I look nowadays, there's food. And when I mean everywhere, I'm talking about on TV, on the internet, in magazine, newspapers, blogs. Okay, so having an eating disorder probably means I'm prone to looking at food-related things, but nevertheless, there's a lot of focus in society. 

In particular, there's a lot of information about healthy eating, weight loss, meal plans etc. There is a plethora of articles and hype about nutrition, living a healthy and balanced lifestyle, different diet trends, exercise etc. This is understandable, given that obesity is an issue society is facing and fitness and health is something that many people strive towards.

Don't get me wrong, there is absolutely nothing wrong with following these sorts of lifestyles and diets. And I'm sure that for a lot of people, they are able to incorporate these into their everyday life and feel the benefits from them. But when you have an eating disorder, it's easy to get tricked into thinking that these diets are simply "healthy" and that it's okay to follow them by the book. To think that you're doing fine when you are following these types of diets and exercise regimes, even though the thought of eating a piece of cake at a birthday party totally throws you off your game, makes you anxious and worried. Is that any way to live? Is it normal to only feel scared every time someone offers you food?

Sometimes when I hear about these diets and trends, or read blogs by people who follow these healthy lifestyles, I sort of wish that I could do that. I wish I had that self discipline to just "eat healthily". But then again, that could just be my ED talking, trying to convince me into thinking that it's absolutely fine for me to avoid foods or situations which the particular "healthy diet" does not allow. 

I don't think I want to buy into what my ED is trying to sell me. I'd rather be able to go to movies, and share a popcorn with someone without feeling so guilty that I forget to watch the movie. Or be thinking about a slice of birthday cake that I refused to accept because it doesn't fit in with my diet. Because where's the fun in that (or maybe I need to try a nice green smoothie ;) )?

A little bit of positivity

Sometimes we all just need a bit of positivity, remind ourselves that we can do it and that it will get better...

Old patterns

The past week has been hard. It's so easy to fall back into the habits I know and which helps to numb the feelings that I'm afraid to face. It's  been hard trying to make the decision about taking the new job. And now, having made the decision, I'm really struggling to accept that I won't have the support I felt from working at the store anymore. The sense of loss and the loneliness has been on my mind constantly. It's been overwhelming at times and I don't know what to do about it.

With all this confusion and emotions in my head, behaviours have crept back in. Old patterns of restricting during the day, then bingeing and sometimes purging at night have come back. Even though things might not be as bad as it used to when I was at my worst, I don't know if I can consider having a whole bag of popcorn, a whole block of chocolate and a few snacks all in one sitting as normal behaviour.  With this comes the shame, guilt, frustration and anger. I wish I could stop. But then I think, if I really wanted it to stop, wouldn't I have stopped by now? I feel like I'm losing control and I don't know what to do.

New job, good news?

I had a job interview last week.

Got the job :). It's something that's related to what I studied and in the same area as the job I'm currently working at. It's sort of an internal role within the supermarket I work in (my part time second job). There's a lot of positives to this new job:

- the pay is better

- the office is closer

- there's a clearer idea of what the job is about

- it's related to the area I've been working in

Anyone looking at this would think that everything about it looks great. It's a great opportunity and that's exactly what everyone is telling me.

So why am I not as excited as I should be?

Because if I take this job, I won't be able to work part-time in the supermarket anymore since the company rule is that you can't work more than full-time hours under the same company (you can, but they'd have to pay you overtime, which they wouldn't want to). So basically, once I start the job, I won't get to work at the store anymore. 

You may be wondering what the big deal is, who would want to keep working at a store anyway? But the thing is, working at the supermarket was probably one of things which really helped me over the last couple of years. When I first got the job there, I was still quite unwell and depressed. I didn't want to work there (or anywhere really), but I couldn't just stay home and do nothing either. So I took that job. Initially, it was hard, having to fake happy and pretend to be alright (it is customer service after all). But to my surprise, and I probably didn't even realise this at the time, things got a bit better, I got to know the people I work with better, I felt I was doing something useful and productive. Mostly, I think the biggest thing was the social aspect of it. I actually felt as though my workmates liked working with me and I was able to talk to them. And as I got to know them better, I was also able to open up a bit about myself and even be more honest about my situation. They were all very accepting and I didn't feel judged. I didn't realise how important this job and the people became to me.

And now, with this new job, it means I won't be seeing these people anymore. Even though they say we can still keep in touch, that we'll still be friends, I know that it's not going to be the same. The circumstances aren't the same anymore and it's nice and all to think that we will keep in touch, but in reality, the likelihood of us meeting up or seeing each other when I don't work there anymore is pretty small. 

In a way, I feel like I shouldn't care so much and I'm angry at myself for being upset when I should be happy. But the thing is, this make me sad and although I can see objectively that this new job may bring with it many possibilities and a lot of good things may come out of it, right now, I don't know what these are. And all I can feel is the sense of loss of something that I didn't realise was so important to me.

Sorry that this post is just me rambling on a bit, but I guess that's why I write here. Because I need to let the thoughts and feelings out. Just for "someone" to know how I'm really feeling.

Small success: eating out

As I briefly mentioned in my last post, something I've been trying really hard to do more of is to go out with people more. Basically just DO more of life rather than retreat into myself and isolate like I've been doing for so long. 

I still have mixed feelings about socialising. Sometimes (okay, most of the time), I'm nervous about doing it, asking someone, having to make conversation and worried that I'll run out of things to say. Sometimes when I'm out with someone, I feel like I'm observing from the outside, not really connected to what we're doing or saying. But there are times too when I'm actually there, not just feeling like I have to pretend to be engaged, but actually being engaged in the moment. And honestly, I enjoy that feeling.

So yesterday, that's what sort of happened. I asked someone out for dinner and they accepted (yay!). I don't know this person very well, but the only way you can get to know others better is by hanging out, talking, doing things together. So we went and had Japanese for dinner. I think I find it helpful to eat with others (who are just normal). I wasn't focusing on the food as much (although I did enjoy eating sushi :D), and it was just nice to be doing something normal. I won't lie, I definitely felt nervous and awkward at times and ED thoughts popped up here and there, but all in all, I'm still glad I did it. 

It was only a small step and most people probably don't know why I'm even writing about it (or even thinking about it). But for me, building up the courage to make plans with someone and actually going through with it (add on the eating out component), it was a pretty big deal.

It's my small success for the day, what's yours :) ?

Stepping outside of my comfort zone

One of the things I really don't like is change. Whether it is changes happening around me or me having to make some kind of change. In a way, staying in my eating disorder has become a habit, a comfort. It is everything I know and keeps me safe in my own unbreakable bubble. I don't have to think about much else other than food and weight and calories etc. And even though it's torture to be constantly thinking about those things, at least they are things I know.

Because outside this bubble, there is so much that I fear could hurt me, make me feel weak and vulnerable. Most of the time, I look out and see uncertainty, situations I have no control over, and this keeps me from wanting to step outside. But sometimes, I see glimmers of things which I so desperately want to be a part of. Like having fun with friends, doing something I actually enjoy, even simple things like being able to relax for a bit and not have every moment of the day be filled with anxiety about food. Actually be engaged and living life.

I've tried to focus more on the good things that I can see and this has made me more aware of what's possible if I do start letting go of the ED. It's not always an easy thing though. Because although I may see something I think I want, I still don't seem to be able to experience.

But I'm starting to realise that in order to be able to experience, I have to make an effort too. It's no use to just stay still and watching whilst other people go out, do things, live life. I have to do some of the doing as well. So that's what I've been trying really hard to do. And one of the things I've been trying to do more of is make plans and go out with other people. Now I'm definitely not an outgoing person by nature and would probably be the last person you would find at a party. And as much as asking people to hang out or go out for a meal with me scare the hell out of me, I've been forcing myself to do it. 

Yes, there is definitely the fear of being rejected and if I did go out for dinner or something, then that adds to the anxiety too. And to be honest, there have been multiple times when I asked someone and nothing came out of it. Their reasons were totally legitimate (e.g. they alread have plans, can' seem to find a time which suited both of us), but in my mind, I always turn this into "they don't like me", "they probably think I'm boring" etc. I have to work on that.

But then other times, I did manage to make plans and end up going out. And as much as my ED or depression may want to dismiss it or disagree, I did mostly have a good time. The socialising for me is still a bit awkward and something I'm not used to doing. And if eating was involved, it's still a struggle, if not more so because the situation lends itself to trying to eat "normally" in a "normal" social setting. But I got through them, and can honestly say I did enjoy some of it :). 

Slowly, little by little, I'm starting to experience some of the good things that come from stepping outside my comfort zone. It's not always easy to take that first step, but it's something that I want to keep trying to do more of. Because I've had glimpse of the good things that are outside my ED world and it's worth the effort.

Not giving up

It's Saturday night and I've still been purged free since Monday. I almost can't believe it. It's a good thing, a great thing. But then there's also the fear that I could slip up one night and ruin the hard work all over again.

I think something which has helped me resist the urges and to keep trying is simply writing here. And knowing there are people out there who are in a similar situation. They too are also trying hard to recover. 

I don't really know if anyone is reading this, but if you are then thank you. Because you've helped me in ways you may not know. Just being able to talk about my experiences and thoughts here makes it feel as though I'm not doing this alone. In a way, it's like there are people who are supporting me (whether this is real or not).

If you are struggling as well, don't give up, because you are strong enough to fight this too.

Reassurance

There are plenty of benefits that can come from letting go of your eating disorder and being in recovery. Or so I've heard. Mostly, it is doctors or therapists or dietitians that tell you how life would be so much better without you ED, how you'll feel stronger both physically and mentally, how you'll be able to engage more in life, form friendships and relationships etc. Logically, I can sort of believe them. Life with an ED is not what I would call fantastic. But when you've known nothing else, how do you bring yourself to basically take a blind leap of faith in the hope that things will get better?

In the past, I think there have been times when I've really given it a go. I would come out of hospital and stuck to my meal plan. It usually go alright for a while, weeks maybe even a few months. I stuck it out because I wanted to really give recovery a goal, I held the hope that what my support team said was true, that is, that if I kept at it (following me meal plan, not doing behaviours etc.), it will get easier, life will get better.

And I'll admit, the eating part did get a little easier. I was able to try new foods, not stressed over deciding what to eat or how much to eat, could go out and eat with others. But despite this, the feeling of emptiness remained. When I say emptiness, I'm talking about the emptiness in life, of not feeling anything is worth doing, still having no desire to do things, not knowing what to do, not feeling connected with the people around you. 

I felt that even though I've been really trying in terms of committing to recovery (from my ED at least), I didn't feel different, apart from the fact that I've put on weight, which totally sucks :(. I supposed I had hoped that if I stuck at it long enough, things will change for the better and I'll realise that the effort I've put in was worth it.

But when that didn't happen, trying and wanting to try became really tiring. It's felt like I was constantly doing something I did not want to do (eating and gaining weigh) for no reason at all apart from because it was what my family/doctor/therapist wanted me to do.

I guess what I want right now is reassurance from those who have been in this position, people who have actually had to put in the effort, stay committed to recovery, but who have experienced the benefits that comes from doing this. Someone who can reassure me that it is worth it.

Job interview

I am having a job interview in about 30 minutes and am a bit nervous about it. It's for a role which is similar to the office job I do now and I'm probably qualified for it. But still, I'm not super confident. I think subconsciously, I don't give it 100% when I have interviews because sometimes I worry about what would happen if I did get the job. Mind mind will be telling me, "you won't know how to do anything", "you'll make mistakes", "you'll can't meet their expectations", "you'll disappoint them", "they won't like you".

The last one's the one that comes up most. Because basically, when the situation, whatever it is, has something to do with other people, my fear is that they won't like me.

I act like I don't care about what people think about me, but I know I try hard to please others so there's less of a chance that they won't like me. So instead of doing what I want or saying what I think, I do what I think others want and act and pretend to suit the situation. Although, if I had to think for myself or just be myself, I dont think I'd have a clue as to how to do that. My whole life seems to have been about doing what's expected of me.

But job interviews are like that. Everyone's trying to sell themselves. Maybe some things in life require a bit of acting. We'll see how it goes.

Wish me luck :)

Hunger and feeling full

Am I really hungry? I have no idea.... 

As I'm sure a lot of people with eating disorders will agree, years of torturing your body through restricting, bingeing, purging, laxatives, exercise and so on will no doubt take a toll on your body and the way it reacts to food. 

On top of this, your ED has also been feeding lies to you, telling you that you're not really hungry (even if you are), that you don't need to eat, that you're already full (even if you've had hardly anything).  

So how can you work towards recovery and eating "normally", which is what most of us is probably (hopefully) striving towards, when your hunger cues are all messed up?

This is a problem I am definitely experiencing. Actually, I don't think I ever lost my sense of hunger. I can usually tell when I'm feeling hungry. It may not be a noticeable grumbling in my stomach, but there's that physical empty feeling which tells me that I should probably eat something. Whether I end up eating something or not is another story.

What I do have trouble with is feeling full quickly even though I might not have had much. Logically, I know that I probably haven't had enough, or the normal serving, but when you're feeling uncomfortable and bloated, it's hard to push yourself to eat more even if you know that's what you should be doing. 

To try and overcome this, there are a few things that I try to do.

Eat smaller amounts throughout the day: instead of just having very large meals, have smaller meals and several snacks. You're less likely to feel overly uncomfortable after the meal/snack, and hopefully also less guilty than if you had a single large meal.

Eat denser foods: rather than loading your plate with salad and vegetables or having fruit and smoothies/drinks etc, try and have foods which have less volume such as nuts, dried fruit, protein, "fun foods". Of course this will not be easy to do, especially if you're like me and still at the stage of indecisiveness about recovery (some days are better than others). And most likely even harder if counting calories is something you struggle with. But nevertheless, if recovery is what you have decided to do and you are willing to commit to trying and giving it a go, having slightly higher-calorie foods which has less volume will at least make the physical side of things a little bit easier. I mean, think about it: if you had to eat say 300 calories of food (just a random amount off the top of my head), which would be more uncomfortable physically - a mountain of salad and vegetables, or a chocolate bar. If I had no choice as to whether I can eat that 300 calories or not, I'd choose the chocolate. It'd be easier on my stomach, I'd feel less bloated, and it probably taste good too :)

Follow your meal plan: if you have a meal plan that has been recommended to you by doctors or a dietitian, try your best to follow it. Commit to doing it and consciously remind yourself that your dietitian has set this meal plan for you because it is what your body needs in order to repair itself and provide you with the energy you need everyday. I know it's easy to dismiss the idea and just think "I don't need this much food", "I don't even feel hungry". But the truth is, your body does need this amount of food and fuel, and if you keep avoiding it, not only will it take longer for your body to adjust to having normal amounts of food, but you will also be keeping yourself from moving forward int the direction of recovery.

These are just some ways I try to cope with eating in recovery. It may not suit everyone or people with different types of eating disorders. But hopefully, some of you have found this helpful ;)

What I ate

I've always wondered whether others will want to read about what I ate as much as I (or probably my ED :P) likes reading about what others ate. I am in no way saying that I am doing fantastic recovery-wise, but it's been better than it has been and I'm trying hard to make changes for the better.

Here's what I ate yesterday...

NB: pictures aren't mine, just photos I found that are similar to what I had

Breakfast: instant oats made with soy milk and water

Snack: Carmen's yoghurt muesli bar (these are good, if you're from Australia, definitely give these a go ;) )

Lunch: Roast vegies salad and toast with ricotta cheese

Snack: Pear and a fun size dairy milk chocolate

Dinner: Met up with a friend and had Japanese. Rice bowl with vegies, kimchi and egg

Snack: Yoghurt, bag of popcorn, another muesli bar

Small successes

So I've actually had success for the past two days. Finally no binge/purge for two consecutive days after probably a few weeks of doing these behaviours most days. It feels good to be able to acknowledge that.

This may not seem like a big deal, or just a small success. But to be honest, it's a huge deal and just writing about it now has made me realise how much effort and mental energy it took to actually try and have "better" days the past two days.

For those of you who suffer from anorexia (binge/purge) type or bulimia, I'm sure you know if you try and restrict, you're most likely going to end up bingeing/purging. And for the past few weeks, that's exactly how I've been. I did have a bit of a tough time in the last month or two with other personal things and basically used my ED to cope (no surprises there). There wasn't even any thoughts about trying to recover, let alone doing it. Sometimes I'd think about recovery, or think "I'll stop doing the behaviours tomorrow" or "this will be the last time" etc. But mostly, I've been tired and down and the ED would take over.

But in the last week or so, having read some blogs and articles on ED and recovery (this was also because I became a bit more focused on my ED as well and probably became more drawn to anything ED and food related), it's made me think more about trying again. And not just contemplating it, but actually making the effort and doing it. 

And so that's what I've been doing for the last couple of days, consciously making the effort to eat a bit more during the day (as I tend to restrict in the day and b/p at night). And guess what, I felt less of an urge to binge at night. Of course, logically, I knew this would probably happen, as my dietitian had always advised me of this and also from past experience. But I tended to go on auto-pilot when I'm not feeling great and "trying" doesn't even come into the equation.

I'm not really sure what made me decide to try harder, maybe reading other people's posts and their experiences helped. Actually, it helped a lot to see that recovery is possible, that it doesn't have to stay like this. But also, starting and writing this blog has made to really think about things and provided an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. Even though no one actually reads this, writing things down here sort of feels like talking to someone and letting someone know how I'm going instead of just keeping it all in. Perhaps expressing my thoughts and feelings has freed up some space in my mind to think more about doing better and then actually making the effort to do it.

It was hard (and still is) to try and eat more normal amounts and not skip meals/snacks. Since I've been writing about this, I've realise just how much I do think about food, eating, ED stuff etc. But right now, as much as my ED doesn't want to admit it, I feel better at least physically, having been purge free for two days. I'll be honest, my mind is still definitely all over the place, the guilt from eating is still there, and most of the time, my thoughts are still revolving around food and eating. But I know it takes time and practice for thought patterns to start changing. You have to keep trying and keep doing what you need to despite what the ED is telling you.                                                                                                                                                                               

Self doubt: how to counter it

Something that I experience a lot, and I'm sure others do too, is self doubt and fear of failure. Being a perfectionist by nature, I often scared and anxious when I am given something new to do. Like at the moment, I've been asked to cover for someone at work who is taking two weeks leave. Basically I have to take over her post and do most of the tasks that she's usually responsible for. 

Firstly, let me say the things I'll be doing is outside of what my job entails, so most of it is completely new to me. I've had a couple of training sessions with the person about to go on leave, but it was all a bit of a rush and an overload of information.

Here's where the self doubt comes in. Even thinking about it now, I can hear my thoughts heading in the general direction of: you don't know what you're doing, what if something goes wrong, you'll end up messing things up for them, they won't be happy with your performance... you get the idea.

So how do you cope when thoughts like that come up?

For me, rationalising helps a bit. Looking at the situation and trying to view it objectively. It's true that there is a lot that I have to learn, but really, I'm not a superhuman and they know this. Whilst they expect me to complete the tasks assigned and have hope that nothing will go too wrong, they also know that I don't know absolutely everything about the role. And if there's anything I'm not sure off, there will be someone who I can ask and will be able to help me. 

It also helps to think about what the worst scenario could be. Even if that happened, so what? I'm not saying that you should take a "who cares, nothing matters" attitude to your work, but thinking about the worst scenario helps to put things into perspective. For the work I have coming up, I know that I have some knowledge of what I need to be doing, the worst thing that can happen is that I start doing it and realise there are things I don't know how to do, which could prevent me from completing the tasks (as one thing can affect another in the task I'm doing). But even if that were the case, the only thing that will happen is I will need to ask someone for help so that things get done properly and on time.  In any case, the person helping me could be in the same boat as me in that they might not be 100% sure of what to do either. 

When you are feeling anxious about having to do something, it's also important to stay in the present. Because in that moment, you are not even doing the thing that you are worrying about. You may be able to prepare for it, and if you can, then by all means, do it. But once you've done what you can, take a step back. Know that you have done what you can for now and that worrying anymore about it won't really make a difference.

Try to be optimistic about it as well. This is definitely easier said than done, and I am probably an optimistic pessimist at the best of times. But the only way to change your mindset is to practise and keep reminding yourself. As much as you may doubt your abilities, when it comes to work or other tasks, it is unlikely that someone will ask you to do something that you are incapable of doing. Sometime it may be the case the things are just dumped on you (see, the pessimist in me), but chances are other people believe in your abilities and who knows, maybe you are. You won't know until you try.

Eating cake and small steps towards recovery

We had a birthday morning tea at work today. This is a monthly event that our office does to celebrate everyone's birthdays. And probably an excuse for cake and a morning tea break :). 

To the normal person, this should be totally normal and something to look forward to. But to the person with an eating disorder (aka me), panic ensues whenever I receive the email invitation to this birthday morning tea. 

When I get invitations to social/eating things like this, there are three different parts of me that reacts or want to have a say in what I do.

• The first is the ED part which wants to eat the cake, sometimes the whole cake. This is the part that has been deprived and basically just wants to eat anything in sight.
• The second is the ED part that's shouting don't eat it, you can't eat it, it'll make you gain weight, you don't need it, you can resist!. This part basically sits on your shoulder everyday and has to put in its two cents whenever a meal time comes around or when food is on offer.
• The third part of me that is probably fainter in its presence, but nevertheless still there is the part that truly wants recovery. Sometimes I get this confused with the ED that wants to eat everything. But I know that there is a part of me, the real me, that knows that to eat that piece of cake is the right thing to do and will help in some small way with my recovery.

So back today's morning tea dilemma. Who did I listened to? I think in the end, I listened to all three. I did end up having some cake, but I only had a smaller piece than what everyone else had. But to me, this seemingly small decision was massive (hence I am writing about it!). I know that I need to keep fighting the ED thoughts, especially those coming from the second restrictive part, in order to be able to overcome my fears truly move further towards recovery.

P.S. the cake didn't taste too bad either ;P, and despite the guilt, I have to admit I enjoyed it.

My Story: part 2

Continuing from my previous post, what happened was I went to my GP and was referred to a psychiatrist who specialised in eating disorders (actually I think he specialised in child psychiatry, but saw a number of ED patients). He had some connection with a clinic which had an inpatient ED program and referred me to the program. And that's how I began my treatment for anorexia. 

At first, I was quite naive about the whole thing and like the majority of society probably, didn't know the seriousness of eating disorders. I thought that I would go into hospital, put some weight on, come out, and be recovered (if only ;) ). The whole inpatient experience was so new and basically a shock to me. Not only in terms of the food (3 meals and 3 snacks a day, WTF!), but also in terms of how unwell some of the other girls were. I remember one time, early in my stay, one of the other inpatients came into my room and asked me if she could use my room sometimes to exercise because she wasn't allowed to and the nurses wouldn't know if she was doing it in my room. I honestly didn't know what to say, I was shocked at the "strange" request as well as the desperation she expressed. In the end I said no, as it was a pretty awkward situation to me. 

Physically, my first inpatient stay wasn't that bad. It almost seemed like going to school and I acted like the good student that I was good at being, did what I was supposed to, which pleased my doctor, the nurses and my parents. 

After my 8-week stay, I came out on the lower end of a healthy weight, and honestly thought I was "fixed". Problem solved. 

I guess it's not as simple as that. I don't really remember too much about the next few year, just bits and pieces. At first, I was probably fine, following the meal plan, almost enjoying the novelty of the experience (I did say I was naive about the whole situation), but then after a few months, eating disorder behaviours started creeping back in and I was admitted again.

This process sort of repeated itself over the next few years. But instead of helping, in a way, it made it worse. A lot of the time, I wonder if I would have been better off doing outpatient treatment from the beginning. Because the more times I went back in, the more ED focused I became. Being surrounded by eating disorders all the time (both in terms of behaviours from some of the other patients and in terms of just therapy revolving around ED) in a way did more harm than good. 

On a side note, during this time, I started uni and did some part time work (including my current supermarket job, which weirdly I have come to enjoy). I did well at my studies, though had to defer several semester in order to go into treatment on a number of occasions. I also considered changing my degree/career path multiple times. I did finish my degree eventually, though it took me twice as long when I finally graduated in 2012. Nevertheless, I'm glad I stuck it out and I am proud of my achievements at university.

Looking back on the years in and out of hospital, there were definitely times where I just wanted it all to end.  I never deliberately attempted to end my life, but I did get worse enough in my anorexia to get close to it. At times, even now, when I'm struggling with both ED and/or depression thoughts, I do wish that I didn't call for help on that one occasion when my anorexia was at its worst. But I know that that would not have been the solution, and if it all ended, there would be no chance of experiencing the good things that life is worth living for. I have had glimpses of these things more recently and hold the hope that recovery will allow me to find enjoyment in the things I do and experience the good and not always good (I'm still realistic ;) ) things that life has to offer.

My Story: part 1

My Story: part 1

Just a bit about me and how I've come to be where I am now. This may all be a bit boring as nothing dramatic has really happened that "made" me sick. Sometimes things just happen for no particular reason.

I have always been a high achiever at school. I guess that's how I think of myself now and also back when I was younger. I got high marks at high school and received various awards. I liked doing well at school, and my focus to make sure I got good grades, get a high mark for the HSC (entry score for university). I did have friends (of people who I would sit with at school), but I wouldn't say I had any good friends. At the same time, I didn't really feel the need to have close friendships, although I have never had any close relationships with anyone, so in a way, there was nothing to miss. 

Looking back, school and studies were basically my identity. It's what I was known for and it suite me fine. I didn't have any issues with eating during my teens but I think there was a period when I was about 15 where I first experienced depression as I remember just crying a lot for no reason and I also started self harming around that time (which couldn't have been a normal thing to do, but at the time, I honestly didn't think anything was wrong). 

If I had to pinpoint a time when the eating disorder started, it would probably at the end of high school. I suppose it's almost the typical case of a period of change and uncertainty about what I'm going to do now that the routine of school was over and the need for control in my life. Although it didn't seem to start out like that. I remember the year of my 18th birthday, I was home alone as my parents had to attend a funeral overseas (I didn't really mind that they weren't there as our family has never been very close). One of my school friends had made me a birthday cake for me to take home. It's such a long time ago so I don't really remember the exact details, but I remember having some of the cake, and then for some reason, I had more of it, and more of it until I had the whole cake. I don't remember whether I felt physically sick or not (I probably did a bit), but I think I did feel some sort of guilt. And that's when I first tried purging. To be honest, it was almost as if I was curious to see if I could make myself sick. So I tried it and it wasn't that hard. In a nutshell, that's how it started. 

It wasn't anything too drastic to begin with (it never is at the beginning), probably just purging a occasionally, sometimes after feeling I've eaten a bit too much. And then I suppose the restricting probably slowly crept in after that. I don't think I had any intention of losing weight (I was normal on the slim side to begin with), but it just became a habit that, as habits go, got harder and harder to break. I still remember bits and pieces of what I did before I even realised that something was wrong: I would have had dinner with the family, but afterwards, I'd be eating a few bowls of cereal and some chips of something, and then I'd take a book or my laptop and go to the bathroom (it was winter and there was a heater in the bathroom) and "pretend" to just read or be on the computer, while I'd purge. Another funny habit I had was drinking flavoured milk. We would get the multipack poppers (e.g. chocolate milk), but rather than just drinking the one, I would pour a bit into a glass and top it up with skim milk, and I'd keep doing this, drinking several glasses of "diluted" flavoured milk until I finished the popper (back then I didn't know what calories were and didn't think drinks counted haha). It's funny that my family didn't really catch on. But like I mentioned, we weren't really close and everyone sort of did there own thing.

After about a year or so, the restricting/bingeing/purging became more regular, I lost some weight, became more obsessive with food and food related things (recipes, cooking, diets etc.). I started looking up about eating disorders and saw that I had the signs and symptoms for it. And one day, I just ended up telling my Dad about it. It was probably one of the most difficult and awkward things I have had to do since like I said, we are not the sort of family who were opened to each other. And throughout my illness and recovery, when I have not been in the best state of mind, I have often regret having told anyone about it, instead wishing that I had left it and let it get worse. But mostly, I'm glad I did say something, because there have been good things in my life that have come out of choosing to face my eating disorder.

My Story: part 2

"Real" friends?

Something that's I've always found difficult is socialising and making new friends. Having an eating disorder, and for such a long time, has meant that I have withdrawn myself from everyone else over the the years. I have never been the most outgoing person at school anyway, but since getting sick, I've drifted away from most of the people who I guess I could say were my friends, or at least people I hung out with during school days. At the moment, I think there's only one person who I've known from my pre-anorexia days whom I still keep in contact with.

At the moment, I am doing better than I have been (not fantastic, but better). I work two jobs (one in an office and the other at a supermarket). I'm really lucky in that everyone I work with are really friendly and just nice, genuine people. I have even come to consider some of the people from the supermarket, where I've been for over two years, as "friends". 

I think I refer to them as "friends" with quotation marks because I still have trouble believing that anyone would really want to be friends with me and I have in my mind the idea that real friends go out a lot, talk to each other about their lives etc. I also think that people are friendly because they are just being nice.

But this pre-conceived idea I have about what friendship should be is preventing me from making real connections with the people I know. Sometimes we need to let go of the ideals we have about how friendship and relationships should be like because when it doesn't turn out exactly the way we thought it would, we automatically dismiss any aspects of it that might actually be good.

I was talking to my psychologist recently and she pointed out to me that I basically have blinders on when I meet up with people (this is not totally news to me, but it did make me realise just how true this is). When I see or talk to people, sometimes I find that I'm not even paying much attention. Instead, I have thoughts like "why are they even talking to me", "they are just being nice", " we have nothing in common", "how can they not find me boring"...

But my psychologist said that people have a choice in who they like and want to talk to. Yes, generally, people at work need to be polite to each other and talk about work related things, but that's a minimum, and if they don't want to say anymore beyond this, they really don't have to. And as difficult as it is for me to believe or accept, I can see that the people I work with do ask me about what's been going on with me and seem to show some interest. 

I have to keep reminding myself that the signs are there and that the people I know are actually making a conscious effort when they talk to me, they are choosing to do so because they care (really?) and not because they are just being polite. I also have to believe that their interest is real because there are people who are just being nice (the ones who I'm just being nice to in return) , but the people I have come to consider to be my "friends" are different. Yes, they are nice people anyway, but they also like me enough to ask me questions, talk to me about what's happening with them, and talk about things beyond the standard "...so the weather been pretty good...". 

Maybe the relationships I have with these new "friends" don't match exactly with what I had in my mind, but then again, there aren't really rules to how friendships should be like. Maybe in the future, I might end up hanging out with them outside of work. But for now, having conversations about things other than work is a good start. 

So maybe I do have some friends after all :)